Life with Cows

”Life is what happens when you are making other plans.”

~John Lennon

I'm a planner!  It's what I do and a part of who I am.  I always like to know what's going to happen next so that I can be prepared for any situation.  Planning is part of being a mom, especially a mom to an ADHD child (I have to be prepared for anything!...pretty sure the author had ADHD in mind when writing all those Worst Case Scenario books, because as the parent of an ADHD child I can attest that some of those scenarios are not too far fetched...a lot of them are strong possibilities, just give it 5 minutes), it's part of being an adult and it's definitely part of being an endurance athlete.  I set my goals then map out how and when I am going to reach them.  I've always considered good planning the road to success...but then along came the cows.  (This will make more sense soon, I promise, just hang with me here.)

First, I'll be brutally honest about something...up until last year I was so focused and busy planning my life and my son's life based on the expectations that I created in my head that I completely missed some big phucking road signs telling me that there was a detour ahead.   All my planning did absolutely nothing to help me prepare for this new and unexpected road trip of life I'm on.  I thought I had everything planned out perfectly and had taken care of all the details and knew exactly what I wanted out of life and where I wanted to be at 35.  Instead, some days I feel I'm riding down a deserted highway on my crappy little road bike (that I love!...that's right, lotsa lotsa love for my little silver Marin!) into a 20 mph headwind...and that's when I have to remember to look for the cows. 

It happens on almost every ride now, but I still remember the first time I noticed, like REALLY noticed, the world (and cows) around me while on my bike.  I was racing Pigman Sprint Tri, and I was hating every minute of the bike (big phucking surprise, yeah, I know!).  I was frustrated almost to the point of tears, because for as much as I hate the bike, I hate even more the fact that I am aware of exactly how inadequate I am on the dumb thing.  I'm a terrible (cannot emphasis this enough...TERRIBLE) and slow biker, and it frustrates the hell out of me a lot of the time (ALL of the time!).

So there I was, in the middle of Little Pig, heading back towards the park, hating my bike and myself and thinking that I had absolutely no business being on the course or competing in triathlons when I got moo'ed at.  Seriously, now I was being heckled by some dirty stinking livestock!  Phucking great, as if knowing how much I suck myself wasn't enough, the friendly cows were there to remind me.  Gee thanks guys...HOW RUDE!!  (Just for that I'll be eating a cheeseburger at the conclusion of every race...so there!)

Literally though, something in the sound of the cow's laughter broke through all the self doubting voices that were screaming at me in my head, and everything slowed down and went silent for just a moment (it was really only a split second...but at my pace, what did a second or a minute extra even matter at that point :)).  I sat up and looked away from my front wheel for the first time during the entire 15 mile ride and I really took note of my surroundings.  I realized that I was biking by a farm, and  the friendly laughing cows were happily grazing in the pasture next to me in front of one of the most stunning old barns I've ever seen.  When I broke my focus and took my eyes off the wheel and the task at hand (I know Coach Vardo...race time is NOT the time to be looking at the cows!), I noticed for the first time that day how absolutely breathtaking the view was from the road I was biking on. 

Until that moment, I was so busy planning and calculating in my head, what kind of PR to expect and how I was going to handle my hydration and nutrition for the rest of the race that I completely missed the fact that with a thin layer of fog hanging over the "valley" it was a gorgeous Sunday morning!  I was in the middle of some of the most beautiful farmland I'd ever seen, and I was just lucky enough to be able to be a part of an amazing event with other incredible athletes doing something we love.  Life was happening around me that day on a BIG scale, but for most of it I was so busy planning that I would have missed it all together, if not for the darn heckling cows. 

It's not an easy task to go from being a planner and a worrier to being completely carefree and putting myself fully into Karma's hands, but I'm trying.  I'm learning that there truly is a cosmic order to things, and that life, when fully lived and experienced, will often take care of itself.  Even without an agenda or calendar to follow.  GASP!!!  Say it isn't so?!?!  No calendar or agenda to follow?!?!  Yes, it's a big (phucking huge!) risk for me to take (mind your own business Freud!), I know this. 

I'm sure I'll still plan some things out (hey, I'm a work in progress!...Rome wasn't built in a day, so how the hell am I supposed to change overnight?, cut a girl some slack), otherwise I'm not sure I'll get to the starting line of Big Pig or XTERRA without following a carefully laid out training or nutrition plan.  And, parenting an ADHD child requires it in most situations.  But, I also believe there is a difference between planning for the sake safety and necessity and planning for the sake of control and comfort.  It's the making of plans in an attempt to control something that leads to missing out on what life has to offer.  For me, if I continue to worry so much about the details and how we're going to get somewhere, my boy and I will miss the entire road trip of life experience altogether.  I'm starting to believe that here, in this life, the journey IS the reward. 

I notice the cows now on every ride, and the barns, and the rivers and creeks, and varying colors of Iowa's farmland...it's pretty much second nature for me anymore to be aware of my audience on the road.  Always for just split seconds during my rides the world goes into slow motion, just long enough for me to sit up and appreciate the gift of life happening all around me.  It makes biking the roads just a little more enjoyable.  (What can I say...I'm a big big fan of the trails, but not so much of the roads.  Again, it's a work in process.  I'll get there eventually...maybe. :))

Life is not always easy it's full of detours, and construction, and burnt bridges (and roads to hell paved with good intentions), but I've been told that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and for the most part I have to agree.  All the planning and mapping in the world isn't going to do any of us a darn bit of good if the road we are on suddenly washes out or the need for major construction creates a detour that we weren't anticipating.  So, I'm letting go of the need for having every detail of my life planned and mapped out in front of me...I still have my goals of where I want to end up, but how I'm going to get there...eh, I don't really know, and I'm actually not too worried about it anymore.  Maybe I'll just let the darn cows show me the way (much to the Vardo's dismay I'm sure). 

PS - for the record, I thought I knew what I wanted from my life at 35 and that I had the world all figured out, but I'm learning during this long strange trip, that I'm actually really pretty clueless. I actually have no idea what I want or where I'm going, and I'm perfectly ok with that.  Karma (and the cows) will take care of me.