"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed. "
I saw this quote today (phuck, it's hailing out!!!...sorry, side tracked by the sound of winter suddenly appearing in my neighborhood)...anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this quote. I saw this and it instantly spoke to me. It's a Buddhist quote about letting go of fear to allow you to be freed. (I'm not an overly spiritual or religious person, but I do identify with the Buddhist philosophy more so than any other that I've stumbled upon in my 35 years here.) In Buddhism, in general, there is a lot of talk of letting go of what is or what we think we know, in order to embrace a more freeing existence. Whether it's holding onto material things, anger, thoughts, regrets, control, or fear, the point is to try to release it all to allow ourselves to fully feel the joy and freedom that our world has to offer.
Thinking about this quote, I realize that this may as well be my life motto. No fear!...that's how I'm living my life right now, and it's amazingly freeing (and FUN!). What can I say? I'm pretty darn proud of myself for coming to this conclusion and embracing the no fear way of life. Up until this moment, I didn't really realize that I had. I mean I know I was taking more risks and saying "what the hell...why not" more often than ever before, but to say that I was fully embracing the no fear way of life, it didn't really occur to me until I saw this on my google homepage this morning.
I didn't consciously make the effort to focus on my fears I don't think, but I do think that when you experience things in your life that explode everything around you, and your entire foundation has to be rebuilt, you start to reflect on things more and try to figure out how you can build a better foundation the next time around. So that the next time, when that nuclear bomb goes off in your head, at least the house of cards you've built for yourself will still be standing. I probably could have started with letting go of my attachment to material things (shoes, or clothes, or the Foo Fighters), or some of my control issues (shut up Freud!), but instead I took it back to the most basic emotion and I went with fear. Not really on purpose, but after watching my son play on the playground, I was inspired. Have you ever just sat and watched kids play on a playground (in a non creepy sort of way of course!)? They are incredible beings...jumping off the top of things without any thought that a broken bone or bloody nose may be lurking in the wood chips below. Nope, kids just jump with no fear at all.
I actually remember one day when my son was about 11 months old...ironically, it was the day that my folks were coming over to help me install a baby gate at the top of the stairs to my house. My little adventurer crawled too close to the edge of the stairs and went rolling down them like a Rocky Mountain avalanche. I thought for sure that I was going to get to the bottom of the stairs and find a dead baby, instead what I found was one very giggly happy child. WTH???? Are you kidding me?!...I think I had my first of many parental mini heart attacks. Another time when he was about 2, he reached for something outside of the cart at Lowe's and the world suddenly went into slow motion as I watched the balance of his little belly tip him in the wrong direction. Although I did my very best to try to catch him, I just could not get there in time. We both ended up on the concrete ground, me diving toward the cart like a pro baseball player sliding into home, and him with a head first bounce off the ground. Just the memory of the sound of his skull hitting the concrete still makes me sick to my stomach today! (I just gave myself the chills thinking about it, and I remember how lucky I was that day!). He didn't laugh or giggle that time, in fact there were some big crocodile tears, but he went for what he wanted 110%. I can look back now and give him credit for that!
So, no fear...what does it mean? To me it's deciding on something and going for it with your entire mind, heart, body and soul...regardless of the outcome. And, when I really think about it, in the process of letting go of my fear, it's opened the door for me to begin to let go of some of the control and regrets as well. After all, you can't fully face something with no fear, if you're worried about the outcome or circumstances can you? Nope, I didn't think so either. It's like standing on the edge of the creek at LHF last weekend, where you know the waters going to be cold and deep and instead of carefully sliding down into the creek bed to tip toe gingerly across the rocks, you leap into the water without any thought other than "this is so insane, but I've never been happier in my entire life"...yeah, my life right now is kind of like that, and I'm pretty darn ok with it!!! So the next time Famous or The Big Easy look at me and says "are we doing this"...I already know my answer, HELL YES!!!! (Thanks again boys for a fantastic weekend! It was by far my best LHF experience ever and I learned more about myself on that course than I have on any other race course. You pushed me, you helped me up, you got me wet and muddy, you stayed by my side, and I did the whole thing with a gigantic goofy smile on my face. I've never been happier racing, or trying to stay warm while eating beef stew. Thanks!)
PS - This whole entry reminds me of another Foo Fighter song...Free Me (the link will appear in the next blog post :)) See, unhealthy obession!!!
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