As I was climbing out of the shower this morning an amazing sense of calm rushed over me. At first I couldn't put my finger on it, and I don't know where it was coming from, but there it was all warm and peaceful. With Foo Fighters Hell playing on the computer in the background (I had my itunes set to shuffle, like I do most mornings...and I have a very unhealthy obsession with Dave Grohl, so there are a metric shit ton of Foo Fighters songs on there), it occurred to me, it has been a year since my real life adventure started.
I suddenly remember well, exactly one year ago, the day I discovered the emails that would rock the foundation of everything I knew about my adult life to that point. My husband at the time was having and affair with a woman from L.A. named "Mental Girl" (I'm not kidding...hello red flag!) who he met online playing a Sims type of mid-evil warrior castle building game, and he was doing a really shitty job of hiding it. Who leaves emails that would make Hef blush, from someone named Mental Girl, open on the family computer? Someone who is asking to get caught (or punched in the nuts!) that's who!!!
After hours of screaming, and arguing, and apologies, and promises that would never be kept, and one long grueling torture session at the gym (I had to punish myself some how, for what I don't know, but I knew that if I was in pain then at least I was feeling something other than numb...it's a coping mechanism that I've used my entire life that I'm sure Freud would have something to say about). I kept thinking "a year from now none of this will matter".
Once the divorce proceedings started, one of my best friends told me "divorce is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy". At the time it made no sense to me really. I was fine, just fine, handling everything fine, just fine. Everything was fine, just fine. (I see a pattern here...). My ex and I were determined to remain the best of friends and re-write the rules of divorce. I am NOT under any circumstances going to become one of those silly divorce cliches. HA!
Well, here I am, one year later, A LOT of years wiser, and a giant glowing divorce cliche!!! I've done everything everyone told me I would, from the "fine, just fine" lie, to losing over 30 pounds on the divorce diet, to drinking more than I probably should, to dating someone for the wrong reasons, to _________ (fill in the blank). I may as well be a giant billboard of what not to do (but everyone does anyway) when you get divorced. I've made my mistakes, I have many regrets and I'm embracing my learning experiences as they happen.
To myself, thinking "a year from now this won't matter", I want to say... You may be right! I am filled with overwhelming peace today, and that's pretty incredible. I think I exhaled for the first time this morning getting out of the shower. I may also be wrong though, because a year later while and the emails don't matter, and the affair doesn't matter, and the ex husband doesn't matter, what I'm learning about myself does matter and without those events, I would be blissfully unaware that I had something to learn about myself and I had more growing to do.
To my friend who "wouldn't wish divorce on her worst enemy", I need to say... OMG, you were so right!!!! I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy either. (Thank you Kecia, for being there for me through this entire process!)
Wow! Really a year later...that went by quick! I certainly have not followed the path I laid out for my control freak self in the beginning, but I think I've still arrived at the same place none the less (maybe it's ok to let go of some control sometimes...again, I'm sure Freud would have a clever something to say about this). I think I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I'm actually kind of excited to see where I will be in a year from now. Maybe every year November 19th will be my own holiday of self reflection, or my own private New Year's celebration (break out the wine!!!...don't forget, mommas got a bar at the new house!), where I can make an honest and true wish for the upcoming year of me. This years wish...to finish up some unfinished business (that's right Pigman, I'm coming for you!). Stay tuned for the progress...
No comments:
Post a Comment