What's in a Number??

Ok, one might think that a person struggling with a possible eating disorder should not partake in the body fat testing ritual, however the thought of actually having an accurate measure of my current fitness level was too great of a temptation for me to pass up.  Let the pinching, and poking and body marking begin.  Seven green sharpie X's, while standing in front of my best friends (and a co-worker) in my sports bra and bike shorts and being pinched by mid evil lobster claws (humbling experience!), and ten minutes later...I'm a 19.  Who knew??? 

First, let me say this.  After talking with the VTC about our results, we have decided that the term "body fat composition" is negative and misleading.  As active women, we would prefer to call it "body muscle composition" or "muscle mass composition", in which case I would be an 81...81% of my body is made of muscle.  Huh??  Gotta say, sometimes I even impress myself, cuz I hate to be vain, but I'm pretty phucking stoked by this number...however you prefer to refer to it.  I'm just stating that from a very girlie Vardo standpoint, we're going with 81% Body Muscle Composition. 

This little number comes with a lot of blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices.  Sacrifices that I have made over the past several years in my quest to be the perfect well rounded individual.  Perfect mom, perfect athlete, perfect friend, perfect everything...not the least of which is my struggle for a  perfect body.  (Yep, it's all coming back to the giant ED in my life...it's body fat, how can it not?!)  This number, to me is a sort of validation of the blood, sweat, tears and hours of training logged in the pool, on the road, or on the treadmill.  I have to admit, I'm proud of it.  And why shouldn't I be, I worked my ass off for it, but what does it really mean???

For me, I guess it means several things.  First, that less than a fifth of my body is made up of fat (uh, yeah...I can live with that!).  Second, it also means that my body fat composition measures on the low end for an active, athletic healthy female (yep, I can live with that too).  Finally, it means that I'm maybe ok with where I'm at, and that maybe I can stop struggling so much worrying about the 6 pack I'm sure I'm never going to have (aside from the Mich Ultra in my fridge :)).  My body fat is about as low as I should allow it to go, and if I don't rock the 6 pack abs at this point, I'm pretty sure it may never happen.  Maybe my body just isn't built that way...ok, this I can also probably live with. 

Going into this test I was terrified.  I am painfully aware of the mental struggle that I am facing with my ED, and I knew that there was a strong possibility that a part of my brain may not react well to whatever the outcome was going to be.  I just wasn't sure how the results were going to affect me, or my struggle to be a certified skinny bitch.  I debated for a long time whether or not to do it, but again, the opportunity as a weekend warrior (aka - seriously addicted :)) triathlete was too good to pass up.  And, I'm so glad I did it. 

Sure...maybe a person struggling with an ED shouldn't get their muscle mass composition measured (huh, see how I did that??...such a better term in my opinion, much more positive...I'm telling ya, it's gonna catch on :)), however for me, I have to say, it was a giant light bulb moment!  HUGE!!!  Turns out, I think it may be just what I needed at just the right time.  After all, you can't really start a journey if you don't know where you are on the map.  Now, I know where I am, and I'm surprisingly ok with it!!  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty phucking excited by it.  I'm a lean, mean, fighting, running, triathlon machine...all you 35-39 age groupers out there, be afraid, be very afraid!!!  LOL   :)

(Yeah, I know you were worried VTC...I was too, but this is good...really, really good!)

Kid Rock - Collide (feat. Sheryl Crow and Bob Seger on Piano)

Beautiful!!!  Quickly becoming one of my absolute all time fav's by my Unhealthy Obsession #2. 

It's true.  Sometimes we have to take a risk or two with ourselves (and maybe our hearts)...just "risk it all, lay it on the line".  Even if it's just for one moment, without knowing what the outcome will be...suck it up, take the risk, go all in (go hard or go home right?!) and just allow ourselves to collide with something or someone else and see what happens.  But, like Rock says...hold on tight, because collision's are powerful, and unpredictable events and there's no way of knowing what will happen.

Hed pe- no woman no cry

My boyz, HED PE, kicking ass on one of my favorite Bob Marley tunes.   Damn, and again I thought I was having a pretty shitty day (just general cranky Monday stuff) when I stumbled upon this and it made me smile.  Cuz...every thing's gonna be alright... 

FYI...this will be my new bad day pick me up song :)

Quote of the Day

"Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours."  ~ Swedish Proverb


I love this!!  It's GENIUS!!!!  Absolutely genius I say!!! 

 

Hed PE Forward Go with Lyrics

Told ya all...unhealthy obsession #3 (um, yes please!)!!!  These guys kick major phucking ass!!!! 

Great for running, biking, life or whatever...just good shit!
Go...forward go!

Song of the Day - (hed) pe - "children"

WOW!!!  These guys are quickly becoming my unhealthy obsession #3!!! 

A Sign from the Stars???...Creative Route Adjustment Ahead

Ok, so here's my horoscope for the day according to Google...

Establishing a new schedule for your diet and exercise routine can be tricky if you're secretly satisfied with your current state of affairs. However, today you may be more certain about what you want, yet still find it hard to motivate yourself to change. Gathering more information isn't necessary, for you probably already know enough. Anything you do now can lead to an improvement in your physical well-being, so take action while it counts.

Ba-hahahahaha!!!!  Really???...Seriously?!?! 

I'm laughing because this has to be a joke of some sort, because I find it hard to believe that even my horoscope apparently knows that it's time for me address a growing and serious issue in my life...my possible ED.  I'm all for grand cosmic order and inspiration, but this is too much.  Good grief!  LOL

(For the record, I've always found horoscopes amusing, I don't put a whole lot of stock into them, but they are mildly entertaining, and we can all use a daily does of mild entertainment in my opinion.  And yeah, I also know that eating disorders are nothing to laugh at...they are serious, but with all things in life I prefer to approach this serious issue with a bit of a sense of humor.)

So, apparently the stars are trying to tell me that it's time for what us Vardo's like to call a little "creative route adjustment" in my lifestyle and eating habits (gee, ya think?!?!). 

(Side note:  Mom, if you're reading this...and I know you are...please stop here!  I don't want you to freak out and I don't need another lecture.  I'm fine, I'm good...I've got this covered.  I know you worry because you are my mom and I love you for it, but trust me, as far as my health is concerned I am a triathlete first...nothing, including a potential ED, is going to stop me from training and racing.  You know how important it is to me.  I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it.  I've got a plan in place. I love you, but you have to trust me here. xoxo ~ KK :))

I'll be the first to admit  that I have issues with food.  Food and I are not friends...I'm just really not a fan.  Don't get me wrong occasionally a good steak or pizza or burger and fries totally hits the spot, but then the guilt that consumes me after eating so well will literally eat away at my conscious for days.  And, I'm also aware that my eating habits leave a little (a lot) something to be desired (mainly the food part).  The more I've become aware of my issue with food, the worse the thought of food seems to bother me.  (I guess sometimes maybe ignorance is bliss :)). 

In the past few weeks since posting my original statement about my possible ED, I've watched my awareness of exactly what I was eating (and the calories involved) increase, right along with my training intensity.  This has not been on purpose, it just is a really terrible coincidence.  So far the lack of "fuel in the tank" is not affecting my athletic performance, but make no mistake, it will.  I know this and I dread this. 

For the most part, this is whole horoscope statement is pretty frighteningly accurate. I am sort of secretly very satisfied with my current state of affairs, even though I know they are sometimes wrong and unhealthy.  I feel good, and I'm happy with the way I look (most days), so...*shrug*.  And, today I am more certain about what I want (to eat without guilt...I dream of the day where I can have a chocolate malt again and not feel guilty about it), but yeah, it is still hard to change. 

I know from my triathlon/marathon racing lifestyle that sometimes just getting to the starting line is the hardest part of any event.  Well, today I'm going to begin the journey to my starting line.  It's not going to be easy, but with the help of a couple of trusted and amazing friends (you know who you are...VTC and the Big E), who have stepped up to this particular challenge with me in a big way, I'm determined to get to the starting line of Pigman (and life) healthy and full of energy...and, I'm going to do it without all consuming guilt of the carbs I may ingest in the process.

Ink Me

The embracing of 2011, and the new me, just would not be complete without a little new ink on the body (yes, if anyone ever asks...tattoos are VERY addicting and we all know that I have an addictive personality...this will be number 4 for me and I see no sign of stopping...I'm already working on ideas for number 5 and 6). 

I've been working on some ideas for a while and I ran across this graphic and decided that I kind of loved it.  My trusted tattoo guys are making some adjustments to include my initial and my boy's initial into it, and to make it a little more original to me...then it's time to ink me!!!  It's going to live on my right side/ribcage, and I can't wait!  I'll post pic's after it's done! 

Metallica - Broken Beat Scarred Music Video HQ

AND finally...no good Saturday morning run playlist would be complete without a little Metallica.  This is another one that is perfect for some speed work.  Pick it up with the beat and hold on for as long as possible.  As a matter of fact this song introduced me to "puke pace".  (Love, love, love the lyrics to this one too...what don't kill ya, make ya more strong!!!...yep, no shit!)

Now if ya all would excuse me please...I'm taking my crazy ass, makes no logical sense, playlist and I'm going for a run! 

(hed) p.e. - Get Ready

Another one that just got added to the running playlist.  Along with a little System of a Down! 

(I warned ya all...I'm all over the freaking place with my music.  As a matter of fact I just added some Kush by Dre & Snoop to the playlist as well...see, no logical sense what so ever.  I just love music I guess.  :))

Hed PE - Renegade

Another one for the running playlist.  I guess I just discovered these guys and yeah, I think they're pretty phucking awesome!!!! 

Question

Is it spring yet?...

...I'm ready to ride!!! :)

The Dating Game

I've mentioned it on here before, I am a very loving girl.  I love everyone in my life on some level, and sometimes, when I'm lucky enough, I meet someone who I think deserves a little more love than the rest.  I've been that lucky a few times in my life, once kind of recently. 

It's scary, after going through a long unpleasant divorce experience to open your heart to someone and offer it to them not knowing if they are going to accept it and be kind and gentle with it or if they are just going to let it lay there in the open exposed to the elements.  I took a chance...and unfortunately was left feeling a little exposed.  Sure, he was kind and gentle about it and let me down easy...I would expect nothing less from him, he is after all the most incredible guy I'd ever met (so far, maybe there's still something out there :)), but the sting and the pain are still the same none the less. 

In the process of dating the worlds most incredible guy, I made so many mistakes and lost sight of myself on several occasions.  I listened to other peoples advice about how to play the dating game, because after all newly divorced girl (after 13 years of marriage) had no idea about the dating world other than a miserably failed affair with a fireman (yes, a fireman...ya-ya, it was hot *eye roll*...too hot actually, with absolutely no lasting flame there), and I learned that while their intentions were well placed (damn road to hell and it's intentions!) it didn't work for me.  AT ALL!  Love and dating, I've decided, are not a game.  It's not a competition, like my tri's where I can, with practice, look forward to a PR and know what to expect out of each event.  Nope.  Dating is more like running an ultra marathon, you can train and train and train for it, and you can log the miles, and practice the nutrition, but just never really know what's going to happen in the end. 

All the rules and advice for dating I got, like don't be too eager to call him, let him call you all the time, keep your options open, or keep things mysterious...all a bunch of BS!  (In my opinion...sorry my well intentioned friends!)  Seriously, all these freaking rules are NOT who I am, and so instead of allowing Mr. Incredible to see the real me at first (when it was probably most important to him), I hid behind the game and it's rules and didn't start to reveal myself until later, when he had already formed a hard opinion about our relationship situation and where he thought it was (or was not) going.  By the time I came around, it was too late. 

I strive to live my life with no fear and no regrets.  Part of the no fear lifestyle, is not being afraid to expose my heart to someone I feel deserves it.  He deserved it.  But regrets...yeah, I think I will always regret the way this experience played out, and I will probably always wonder "what if" with this one.  It maybe wasn't an intense flame at first, but with him it was more of a spark that grew into one of the most wonderful warm snuggle by the fireplace kind of fires that always made you feel safe and protected.  Nothing made me happier sometimes than chillin out on the couch with him and his dog, watching tv and drinking a beer.  Good good times!

Next time I date a guy though, I think I'm gonna shut out all the well intentioned voices and advice from the outside and just do what feels right to me.  Either the guy will click with the real me or not, but no more dating games.  I'm real, I'm raw, I'm honest, and I have a huge ass heart that someday I would like to share with someone who deserves it.  I can be funny, and I can be deep, and I accept everyone for who they are regardless of their past.  I don't judge, I'm insanely loyal and I'm a damn good listener.  I'm a tomboy and a dare devil...I play hard and most of my friends are guys (*shrug*).  I'm sometimes a bit of a romantic and a dreamer too (hey, what girl, even the most tomboy one's, doesn't dream of prince charming and living happily ever after?...I just hope my prince charming has nothing against tattoos or whiskey or tomboy girls who like to ride bikes hard and run even harder).  And no matter what I'm going to search for the bright side in everything.  This is me you can take it or leave it, but if you leave it, please be kind and gentle in the process.

Mr. Incredible, if you're reading this (I doubt it...but if you are, you know who you are)...thanks!  Thanks for being kind and gentle with my heart, and thanks for being an amazing friend.  You taught me so much.  You're going places dude...big huge places (hopefully you get to California eventually!)...and I can't wait to see what the world has in store for you (keep me posted...you know where to find me...and if I'm not home, check the trails :)).  Love ya, ~ K

Quote of the Day

"At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?" -Jack Kornfield

I live hard and fast and full (go big or go home right?!?!)...and, I tend to love the same way... :)

Sometimes there are difficult lessons to be learned by this, and they never seem get any easier, but at the end of my life I would like to think that I'll have done both...lived fully, and loved well.  At least that's the goal (and I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way).  


**This may or may not be a post about love...I'll let you read it however you would like for yourself and make it your own.  (That's actually my hope for every one of my blog entries, that you can read them and make them your own and apply them to your life, however you see fit.  They don't always have to be about me, I just want to try and make you think a little. :))

Kid Rock - Slow My Roll

Mmm-mmm-mmm...such a wise man!!!  (and HOTT!...hey don't judge me, I think the Kid is way hot...we all have different kinds of attractions...for me, deep insightful tattooed whiskey drinkers are all kinds of tasty goodness...and just one of the many "types" of guys I'm naturally drawn to.) 

Since my divorce and the circumstances surrounding it that crash landed me on this strange new adventure, I've been in a full on sprint trying to figure out where this exciting path is leading me.  I'm not kidding when I say that when I decide to do something I go all out (balls to the wall baby!...nothing stops me, and don't even try to get in my way, cuz I'll either hurdle ya or plow ya down in the process :)), and this has been no exception.  I've thrown myself into my training, and working, and meeting new people, and building stronger friendships with everyone in my life.  I've been running along jumping from landmark to landmark, and sometimes I will admit I've forgotten to stop and just take in the natural beauty of the world around me. 

It kind of goes along with my earlier post(s) about learning to say no more often, and chillin out a little on the over-training over-scheduling craziness.  And, hearing this song this morning, really made me think that maybe it's time for me to finally just sit back and chill..."turn around-settle down-and slow my roll".

Saying YES to Saying NO

It's the easiest thing in the world to do as a parent some days...say NO.  OMG, I feel like I say it all the flippin time.  As we are leaving for school in the morning and JP asks if he can take this or that or something else that would act as a serious distraction to his already challenged learning environment...NO.  As we are walking through the grocery store...NO, NO, NO...800 times NO!  No you cannot have Lucky Charms and ice cream for breakfast, and no you don't need 3 pieces of beef jerky and a pack of Skittles to eat in the car on the way home even though you are starving and think you will die before we get there.  No, no, no.  The answer is almost always no. 

However, when it comes to everyone and everything else in my life sometimes I have a very difficult time saying no.  I want to make people happy.  It's just a part of who I am.  I want to please everyone as much as possible, and I am afraid that if I say no then I will not be accepted by them for who I really am.  Some day's I'm actually pretty good at being a chameleon...I can change who I appear to be at times based on who I am around, and while it makes me very happy to see those around me happy, a lot of times I can end up compromising my true self and needs in favor of others in the process. 

Often I find myself willing to accept less than I should from those around me and I am a master at making excuses for them or why I allow this to happen.  And, because I can't say no or turn down any challenge, I almost always have way more projects going on than there are hours in the day to complete them...all because I have failed to use one very simple two letter word. 

I've come to the conclusion lately though, that it's time for me to use the practice I've had as a parent and start saying NO more often.  This is by no means meant to hurt any one's feelings or make me seem unavailable (my friends, you know that you can always count on me), it's just me reclaiming my own priorities and not being willing to accept less than I should from life anymore.  There are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life (my bucket list is enormous!!!) and I am going to try to get to them all, but I won't be able to if I keep letting other people's priorities or interests interfere with my own.

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” ~Tom Robbins

Hed Pe - Suck it up

Another fantastic running tune, cuz really there are times in our lives when we all just need to SUCK IT UP!!!  (This particular song got me through the last mile of a 10 miler on the mill...at 8 minute pace, I was able to 1-2-3-SUCK-IT-UP and finish strong...thanks Hed Pe! :)) 

Quote of the Day

"If God created marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, then triathlons must have taken him by complete surprise."  ~Pearce

(My friend TT and I after the Iowa Games Triathlon this July....Way to go TT on finishing your first tri!!!!!)

My Friends

Friendships have the power to change you.  Some of my friends build me up and help me realize my full potential in positive ways.  Other friends…well, let’s say that they may help influence me in other ways, good, bad or indifferent...it's always an adventure when they're around!  Whatever the case they are all my friends and I love them all dearly.   (Seriously...to all of my friends reading this blog, I love you!  I love each and every one of you for what you bring to my life.  I'm a very openly loving girl.  I love my life and everyone in it.  If you have my phone number then you are my friend, and I love you, it's as simple as that.  If you don't have my number and would like it, just ask.  There's always room in my life for more love and more friends! :))

I recently had a friend come back into my life who had been absent for a while.  And it didn’t take long before I realized that they, in their absence, had changed me in some way.  Not sure if this is good or bad yet, but the change I felt was distinct.  I am definitely stronger because of this friendship, but I'm also a little more aware and cautious with the world because of the lessons learned from this friendship.  Interesting...

More recently, I experienced a very silly (very girlie...I may be a tomboy, but I told you I still have silly girlie moments!) moment of "crisis".  No one died or got hurt, so it probably really wasn't a crisis after all, but in that moment I panicked and reached out to a good friend, who was there for me with open arms (in the middle of the night!).  No judgement, no questions asked, just there with a smile and some kind words...and the offer to help me through whatever I was going through. 

Now, for the record...I hate (HATE!!!!) asking for help with anything!  EVER!!!!  I'm a big capable girl, and I try to handle everything on my own as much as possible.  I don't need anything or anyone else in my life to make me happy (aside from my boy that is :)), however, through these recent experiences I'm learning that sometimes it's perfectly ok to ask for help and that sometimes happiness does come when we are surrounded by amazing friends.  And, OMG it occurs to me that I have the most amazing friends!!!!!!  Seriously, freaking amazing!!!!  Everyone should be so lucky!

It got me to really thinking about my friends and when I take a moment to reflect on this journey I've been on, I am in awe of the power of my friendships and their effects on my life.  Some days I have felt like I've been on this crazy journey all alone, but really, I realize now that have not been.  Not at all.  I've had friends step up and help me every single step of the way.  And the best part is that I didn't even have to ask for their help, they were just there for me...almost like they knew when I needed their help, even if I didn't. 

From my divorce attorney (and Ironman!), to my crazy tailgating Nurse Ironman (and her "hubby"...what the hell else am I supposed to call him, you two have been together for like 20+ years, would ya just get married already?! :)), to my best buddy and Tri coach (Vardo Tri Chic), to all the Vardo's and TDR members who push me and challenge me to reach my full athletic potential (bunch of running/cycling/triathlon crazy ass mofo's...damn I love you guys!), to my hero from the bar FB E, to my wise role model Ali (and her incredible boy T), to my friend with the awesome couch/dog/tv/movies/beer (ya, you know who you are :)), to my Lil Bro who offered me his friendship which turned into a whole family, to all my FB friends and everyone else in between.  My friends have been there for me every single step of this journey, and I want to take this moment to thank them!!!  Really, honestly, truly, from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU all for your love, support inspiration...and help (even when I didn't know I needed it!).  

That's really it.  I just wanted write post on how cool my friends were...cuz you all are!!!  :)

Balancing Act

When I started journaling my life in this blog I wanted to include almost every aspect of my life (yes, ALMOST every aspect...it's good for a girl to keep a few things private - helps to protect the innocent or not so innocent depending on the case ;)).  My main goal is to keep it real, keep it honest, keep it raw (obviously, I've put things out here that I never thought I would admit to anyone ever, and yet I've put it on a public blog...it doesn't get much more raw than that), and keep all my balls in the air at one time.  As I become more immersed in my training for the year, I find it necessary to work a little harder not just at the gym, but also to attempt to find an appropriate balance in this juggling act of life. 

My current circus act includes; being a proud parent to an extremely active and bright 8 year old boy (the very center of my universe...he is my sun and my planet revolves around him), sharing custody of my boy with my ex husband on a bi-weekly basis, training for _________ (a half IM, a half marathon, RAGBRAI, XTERRA, and countless other running, tri, and cycling events that will come up along the way), working a FT regular job as an administrative assistant, working a PT retail job at a local mall a few nights a week, teaching group fitness classes at my gym, studying to become an ACE personal trainer, and doing laundry.  (Yeah, safe to say, I'm just a little busy...sometimes overwhelmed, but really just one very busy girl.)

Lately, my enthusiasm for training has sort of taken over this already hectic life (hey, when I decide to do something, I go all out...call it excitement, or dedication, or whatever, but it's balls to the wall baby, that's just how I roll), and the results that I'm already feeling in my bike and running performance are amazing!!!...I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!  However, all this time spent on the bike, or in the gym, is unfortunately NOT getting my laundry or studying done (apparently it doesn't do itself, who knew???)...and it occurred to me last night as I was climbing on the bike for an hour and a half ride (in non padded running shorts, yikes!...for the second time this week, double yikes!) that I had not done laundry for 3 weeks!  UGH!!!  Ok, so maybe it's time to sit back and re-evaluate my current schedule and make a few adjustments to try to get just a bit more balance in my life. 

My normal schedule runs something like this (on weeks I don't have my boy)...

• Monday - Work 8:30-5, then bike/run/lift from 5:30-10 (ish)
• Tuesday - Work 8:30-5, then work 5:30-10
• Wednesday - Work 8:30-5, then bike/run/lift from 5:30-10 (ish)
• Thursday - Work 8:30-5, then work 5:30-10
• Friday - Work 8:30-5, then swim from 5:30-7
• Saturday - run/swim/lift from 8-noon (ish)
• Sunday - bike 9-11, then run/elliptical/bike/lift from 3-6 (ish)...I would like to add an hour of boxing in there too from like 1-2 if I can find someone to let me use a bag. 

(Yeah, it's a training heavy life...told ya, I have big ass race goals for this year and I plan to be fast!...this is the life of a 35 year-old, 3 job carrying, single parent triathlete...one who will be walking around in stinky clothes if I don't make some changes to this schedule quick, or start pulling all nighters. :))

So, it's maybe time to make some adjustments...just a few here and there, to gain a bit more balance and perspective in my life.  After all, I do LOVE training, but if I keep this schedule up, it's guaranteed that my enthusiasm will wain and I will eventually burn out on it, and THAT will have very negative effects on my race day performance. 

And, I can't possibly come home every night at 10 and expect to have the time or energy to get done what needs to get done at home.  (Sad fact: the last time I sat on my couch was probably a good 2 weeks ago!...and the last time I cooked a meal at my home was maybe 3 weeks ago!...I usually come home and go straight to the shower and bed, which means I'm spending an awful lot on rent for a house with space that I'm not using...blah!)  Starting next week, I'm going to try to be home every non-working night by 7 and see how that works.  I'm sure it's still not a perfect solution, but at least it's a start. 

Tell me friends, followers (and possible blog stalkers :)), what kinds of things do you do to help you maintain your own balancing act? 

WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN TRIATHLETES GET BORED WITH TRAINING

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Told ya all, Triathletes are crazy ass mother phuckers!!!...and damn proud of it!  (Doesn't hurt either that these Tri boys are also pretty well RIPPED and in speedo's...thanks for the eye candy on a cold winter day boys!)

(Sad thing is that I could totally see my friends and I pulling this off waiting for a swim start at a race.  Would probably help to ease some of the pre race tension.  Bahahahahaha!!!)

Cleaning Up

By now it’s no secret that my nutrition plan would be considered by most endurance coaches to be lacking.  Others, my own coaches included, would probably call it pathetic.  I would probably have to agree.   

Here I am, a borderline ED Triathlete who struggles with what to eat and how much to eat.  I fight with my food intake daily, and have learned to live primarily off Starbucks mocha’s and protein shakes.  However, after spending some time quality time (including a healthy dinner) with one of my best friends (Vardo Tri Chic) last night I’m inspired, and I’ve decided that my will to succeed in tri’s and go farther and harder than I ever have before makes it necessary for me to adopt a new nutrition plan and clean up my diet.  I know this.  I accept this.  I am going to work my ass off to find a nutrition plan that fits with every aspect of my life.  Starting today!  (Translation: I will NOT let my ED win!  My will for triathlon is 800 times stronger than my will to be skinny…I think…I hope.  I want to be strong.  I want to be fast.  I want to win.  And, if I'm going to train like a serious athlete, then I need to eat like a serious athlete.  It's that simple.)

Yesterday I reached a new low in the ED battle, and for the first time in my life I actually had the urge to throw up after eating lunch (yep, I’m just as shocked as you!, I never ever thought it could ever go there, EVER)…I did not do it, and I was able to talk myself out of it (even though I was standing in the bathroom pacing and staring down the porcelain god, wondering what would be the best way to get the job done) by promising that I would push that much harder during last night’s workout to make up for it. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen either, so today I had to promise myself to eat even less than my “normal” to make up the difference.  Eh…not really doing that either, but I know I won’t eat dinner tonight because of job #2, so all is well for now in the neurotic ED brain.  (I also am very very…did I say very?...very aware that this is NOT a healthy relationship to have with food.  And please don’t think for a moment that I enjoy any aspect of this…I do not.  It’s painful and frustrating beyond words some days.) 

After looking into several different nutrition plans (Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, Clean, Raw, Pescetarian), and having attempted the Vegetarian, Paleo, and Pescetarian versions before, I’ve decided to start my new nutritional journey simply by going Clean.  Clean eating embraces pretty much everything I loved about the Paleo and Pescetarian lifestyles (by the way Pescetarian is simply a vegetarian who eats fish). 

The philosophy is simple.  It is believed that as foods are cooked and/or processed they tend to lose their nutritional integrity, so the best thing to do is to eat things in as close to their natural whole state as possible.  Heavy on the fresh fruits and veggies with a balance of lean (organic) proteins, and very few carbs (except maybe for the occasional beer!...I don’t know where Clean living falls on beer, but in my world beer is produced by a whole grain of some sort or another and is therefore very clean).  The main goal is to steer clear of all things processed and to try to eat 5 or 6 times a day (GASP!...ok, that’s a lot of freaking meals for a girl who normally eats 1 on a good day). 

I think I’m learning that this ED thing will forever be a constant in my life.  I don’t see myself at the age of 35 ever out growing it, but I have dared myself to beat it…and we all know that I cannot turn down a dare, so now I have no choice but to beat it.  A dare’s a dare and the challenge starts now!  I realize that for as guilty as I feel about yesterday’s lunch, it no longer matters.  Today is a new day, and I’m starting over…I’m going Clean (with my eating that is...LOL :)). 

Quote of the Day

 

"People think it's an obsession. A compulsion. As if there were an irresistible impulse to act. It's never been like that. I chose this life. I know what I'm doing. And on any given day, I could stop doing it. Today, however, isn't that day. And tomorrow won't be either." ~Batman

Found this little gem of a quote on BeginnerTriathlete.com.  LOVE IT!!!  Kind of makes me want to get a tri suit with the Batman logo on it.  How kick ass would that be????  (BeginnerTriathlete.com is a great website for triathletes, both newbies and seasoned vets.)  

More Motivation

Another IM vid with Em...LOVE IT!!!!!!! 

I know, I know, I keep posting all these vid's and music, but here's the thing...it's IOWA and there's a lot of freaking snow falling from the sky, so I'm all about finding some extra motivation and sharing it.  These little bursts of motivation help get my ass out the door and into the gym where it belongs (even on days when it's cold and I just don't feel like it), because after all...

"If someone beats me because they are better, I can accept it. However, being beaten by someone because I am being lazy is not acceptable." ~ Unknown

The Distance: A Triathlete's Journey Movie Trailer

Just watched this movie with the Vardo Tri Chic and got chills!!!  Chills I say!!!  AMAZING!!!!! 

This is a fantastic real world view of what it takes to train for and race in IM WI.  A race that my good friend the Vardo Tri Chic will be competing in this year on September 11th, in Madison, Wisconsin.  If you never thought you could do an IM, or even a triathlon, check it out!  Everyone has it in them, it's just a matter of if they are willing to go the distance or not.

You can follow the Vardo Tri Chic on her journey to IM WI this year.  (Hint: her blog is in the list on the right :))

I'm going to go the distance...will you?

Coin Toss

I had someone tell me once that one of the best ways to make a decision is to flip a coin on it and then evaluate the gut reaction to the outcome of the coin toss.  Not bad advice really...maybe...huh...interesting...

One of the beautiful things about triathlon training, and the time investment it requires, is that it allows me a lot time to really think about people, places and events in my life.  One of the hardest things about triathlon training, and the time investment it requires, is also that it allows me time to really think about people, places and events in my life.  It can be a sort of blessing and a curse all at the same time, and both can happen during the same workout.  I never really know going into a training session where my mind will take me that day.  Some days, it gives me clarity and allows me an escape or way to work off some frustrations, yet other days it can make me crazy with the places my mind tends to wander and I can leave a workout more frustrated and confused about something than when I started.

After a weekend consisting of almost 10 full hours of high intensity training (LOVE IT!), where I was looking forward to gaining some fantastic zen clarity, I instead got home from the final workout completely exhausted and way more frustrated about some things in my life than I was even before the weekend started.  (Crap!)  Guess it's maybe time to toss a coin...or two (or ten!).  (The fact is that I could make a laundry list of items that I'm mentally sorting through during my workouts at the moment, but I won't...at least not publicly that is. :))  Here's the short list...

Issue #1 - talking to someone I care for about a somewhat delicate matter...heads I do, tails I don't.  Aanndd the winner is...heads.  (Crap!...maybe 2 out of 3 :))  Heads again!  (PHUCK...ok, 3 out of 5! :))  Heads-tails-heads!!!  Well phooey!  (Obviously, I'm not quite ready to have THAT conversation!...but, then again, if it's bothering me that much, maybe I should anyway.)

Issue #2 - taking a risk on something new...heads I do, tails I don't.  (Coin flip.)  Heads.  (YAY!!!...winner, winner chicken dinner!)

Issue #3 - letting go of something from my past...heads I do, tails I don't.  Tails.  (Fair enough.) 

Huh...surprisingly, I DO feel better about all these issues (nice!).  I guess the coin toss really does work...who knew?!?!  (My gut reactions to each outcome definitely surprised me too...at one point I was laughing almost to the point of tears...really, who knew?!?! :))  I'm still probably not going to give up extreme workouts as my main form of therapy...after all, some days I NEED those issues and frustrations to get me through a particularly long or grueling workout, but I also don't see the harm of keeping a coin in my pocket just in case.  :)

Meredith brooks - Bitch

Yesterday I was HARD, and today I'm a Bitch! Haha!!! Just kidding! I just like this song, and I'm a product of the 90's so I gots some mad love for the 90's angry/grunge/alt rock!!!  It's kind of a fun to run to too (usually in my warm-up or cool down).

For the record, NO, I don't hate the world today or anyday...I love the world, but everything else...yeah, possibly a little accurate.  Hey, I'm a girl...we're all bitches!...and I wouldn't have it any other way :).

My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na

Another amazing running song!!! Same rules apply. 

(Told ya...my music taste...no logical sense!!!  AT ALL!!!!  I'm all over the fricken place and I'm good with it.  Variety is most definitely the spice of my life!!! :))

Sleigh Bells - Infinity Guitars

One of my new favorite running songs...perfect for a treadmill speed workout.

I'm not a huge fan of the mill, but it is a great tool for speed workouts in the winter. 

Here's how I roll: during the chorus, I pick up the pace to what I like to call puke pace (the fastest you can possible run without puking...for me that's like an 8.5 on the mill), then recover at a higher than comfortable pace for the rest of it (my normal pace is 7.3-7.5 on the mill, so higher than comfortable is somewhere around a 7.7).  Repeat! 

Rihanna - Hard ft. Jeezy

That's right baby, I'm hard!!!  Ok, not really...I'm a total softy (shh, don't tell anyone), but this is one of my fav songs pre-race or pre-workout to get my attitude set for a hard workout.  To quote Jeezy..."go hard or go home"!  :)

My music taste makes no sense at all (obviously!)...I like a little bit of everything (duh!).  Plus, Rihanna is freaking HOT (enjoy boys!).  I totally have a girl crush on her abs!!  (The rest of her body is good too!...yes, I'm jealous and I'm not ashamed to admit it :)). 

I (heart) Tri

I think I’m in LOVE!!!  It’s true!!!  I’ve possibly found my true mate in life…his name is Triathlon.  (Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic….at least I can count on Triathlon to never make a comment about my "big butt". LOL :))  That’s right, this Tri momma’s got her mojo back!!!!  All it took was a mentally challenging session on the treadmill, an even more physically challenging session on the bike trainer (with the help of good friends!!!) and a couple dozen YouTube triathlon videos for inspiration.  WHOOT WHOOT!!!  Bring it on baby!!!! 

Last night’s workout was proof to me that I had officially flipped the training switch, and am ready to get down to business.  I mean, let’s face it in this crazy mixed up world of working 3 jobs and being a single parent and living in Iowa in the middle of winter, my training has taken a back seat to pretty much everything else.  (Did someone say beer?...what??)

I’m not here to make excuses, but sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day to get done everything that I would like to.  The past couple of months of settling into this new (and very rewarding!) life, I’ve at times (more often than not) felt like a chicken running around with my head cut off.  Seriously, “me” time just doesn’t happen.  Sure I’m trying to embrace and enjoy each moment and let go of my OCD/over analyzing/over planning tendencies, but I’ll be honest, the entire past year of my life has been all about planning.  Planning out how this new life was going to work for me and my boy. 

After surviving the holidays and my attempt at skipping Christmas, I’m finally able to refocus my attention on the things I do to make me “me”.  (Mainly running, swimming, biking, weightlifting, and being slightly neurotic about following a good training and nutrition plan.)  It’s time to start thinking and training like a Triathlete again. 

(Yes, I know I keep referring to triathlon as my “it” sport and this year it is…I’m still a runner and will always be.  Running captured my heart and led me to this wonderful life, but it is really truly the triathlon that I’m in love with.  I’m so sorry running!  I promise I’ll be back, my love affair with you is not over yet, I just need a little time to explore my other options…I hope you can understand.  We’ll always have D2D and The Cowtown…let’s never forget The Cowtown *hugs*.) 

In my past life as a runner and Triathlete in training, I had a partner, someone to help with the daycare pickup’s and drop offs so that I could go train in the evenings after work.  Someone who was a physical presence in the house so that I could rise before dawn and hit the pool in the mornings before the rest of the house was up to start the day (since for some reason DHS frowns upon leaving children home alone…go figure?!).   (This of course is a sarcastic statement!!!...I do NOT endorse leaving children home alone under any circumstances!!!!!!!!!)  During heavy training sessions, I usually pull 2 a day’s…swim in the morning, then bike, run or lift at night.  It’s the only way to fit in all the training that needs to get done (in my neurotic mind of course…I’m sure there are other ways…my personal theory though is to over-train the distances so that on race day, it’s nothing that hasn’t already been done).    

In this newer life however, it’s just me and my boy, so my early morning swims are out, as are some of my evening sessions due to the other jobs.  What’s left is 4 or 5 days out of the week to cram 7 days worth of intense 2 a day training into.  I guess this crazy single Triathlete girl will have to get a little creative if she wants to get it all done, and still make it to the start line of my Half IM in August.  (AFTER surviving RAGBRAI, which requires a completely different kind of training…did someone say jello shots?...and XTERRA!...yeah, my ass needs to be in peak physical shape if I’m going to survive this summer in one piece, and frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’m looking forward to the challenge of accomplishing it all.) 

Yesterday was my first experiment in creative scheduling, and seemed to work pretty well (ate lunch at the desk so that I could jet out of work a few minutes early to hit the treadmill for a quick 3-5 miles before picking the kiddo up from school and heading over to the Vardo group ride)…it actually worked pretty darn perfect, until I arrived at the gym (on my favorite treadmill none the less!...all signs point to a great workout ahead, yippee!) to find my iPod DEAD!!!!  Beyond dead!  I had nothing!!  Not a single little power bar to get me started.  UGH!  How the hell was I supposed to run on the treadmill now!  No entertainment!…no music to push me through the pain and induce puke producing sprints during the chorus of my favorite songs (GASP!).  And with that, my workout was pretty much over.  I had just been given a golden excuse…a reason to jump back off the treadmill, and go treat myself to some Starbucks before the group ride.  (Mmmm, Starbucks!!!...have I mentioned that I love me some Starbucks!!!...and it’s the winter in Iowa so it’s sorta cold here and not much beats a Grande Decaf Skinny Mocha with whip on a cold winter day.)

Argument #1 with myself goes something like this, “tempting…very very tempting…I’ll just come back tomorrow…only I have to work tomorrow…ok, I’ll come back on Friday…only I have plans on Friday…Saturday it is…ooo, Saturday is supposed to be my long run and I can’t very well go long if I haven’t even gone short for the past couple weeks…grrr.”

Simultaneously, argument #2 begins (much more loudly) and goes something like this, “hey jackass, there are no iPods allowed at Pigman, and that’s for 13.1 miles…suck it up cupcake!...and for god’s sake during marathon training you pulled 15 miles on the treadmill…phucking sissy, you can handle it for 3…at an 8 minute pace that’s less than 25 minutes…in the time you wasted having this argument with yourself you could be almost done…now shut up and start running”.  (Some days I am amazed at my own wisdom. :)) 

You can guess which argument won I bet.  Yeah, it was at that exact moment that I flipped my Triathlete in training switch and decided that it was time to get my ass back in gear, officially!  With my attitude readjusted and my training focus in place I went on to follow up the run with a grueling hour on the bike trainer with my fellow Vardo’s.  So much fun!!!!  (The fact that I can hardly walk today makes it that much more fun in my eyes…yes, we are very sick people who do this for fun. LOL)   

I fell in love all over again with Triathlon yesterday and what it forces me to do and in the process I got my mojo back.  Triathlon, you complete me! 

Ironman - Till I Collapse

Um yeah...seriously!?!?...an IM vid set to Eminem!!!!  Holy shit!!!  Two of my favorite obsessions collide!!! SWEET!!!!!  It's like a little slice of Triathlon Pie in heaven!!!  Tasty goodness!!!  (except for the collapsing part...no one really wants to end up in the med tent :))

Tri season...you are so close I can almost taste it!!!!  Ready-set-let's roll...

Note: I like this song and what it stands for and yeah, most of us triathletes have been there...to the point of collapse.  It's a little scarier side of Tri's, but it goes to show how hard we are all willing to push ourselves.  Even the best trained triathletes collapse...it's the risk we are all willing to take.  Our goal is to leave every piece of ourselves out on every race course...to know that we have given it our all and pushed a little harder and farther than we ever have before. 

What Makes a Triathlete

A little triathlon motivation to kick start the 2011 training program!!!!  Gettin chills just thinking about it!!! 

Sing Off

Wanna know how you can tell when you've fully embraced a carefree and no fear kind of life?  When you sing in public! 

It's true!  Think about it!  In my opinion, nothing puts us out there more or makes us more vulnerable to criticism by others than singing.  Why else would programs like American Idol be so successful?!?! 

Myself, I don't sing!  I just don't!  I'm terrible...actually, I'm worse than terrible if that's even possible.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE music (obviously!) but as for me singing anywhere other than in my shower or my car (alone in both cases) FOR-GET-IT!!!!  No way in hell!!!  Not happening!  If my life depended on it, the answer would still be NO!  (My child even tells me not to sing in front of him, and I NEVER sang in front of my ex either, and we were married for 13 years!)

I've just never really been comfortable putting myself out there like that...way too self conscious I guess, go figure!  (Remember, I have issues. LOL :)).  Only a weird (and by weird I mean embarrassing!) thing happened yesterday, and I guess looking back, I would have to consider it pretty significant on the personal growth spectrum.  It took me (and everyone with me I'm sure!) completely by surprise...I started singing without even thinking about it in a car full of coworkers!  UGH!!!  EMBARRASSED...oh hell yes!!!  But, then again...eh...so what?!?! 

So I suck, this is nothing new to these guys I'm sure (Dear Coworkers: if you are reading this, then zip it!!...no comments necessary from the peanut gallery :)).  LOL.  And, what do I care, really??  The world did not end or come to a screeching halt (it probably should have!) and I was having fun...hey, it was Jimmy Buffet in the middle of winter in Iowa, how could I not be drawn in by the tropics?! 

What was more surprising to me than the fact that I was actually singing in front of people for the first time in my life, was the fact that I was doing so without even thinking about it.  It happened subconsciously and without warning, and in the process I think it made me realize I'm finally coming into a place of total acceptance of myself.  I guess maybe I just really don't care anymore what people think of me.  This is who I am and I'm embracing it, bad voice and all. 

I think going forward I'm going to keep on singing in public (in small amounts...don't expect me to get up and sing karaoke anytime soon though, no matter how many shots of Templeton are involved!), and maybe even out on the bike course, or while we are running...why not?!?!  If you don't like it or it offends you, then I suggest you get some earplugs my friends, cuz now that my voice is out...I'm not putting it back, no matter how badly it sounds!  (Sorry in advance!!!)  :)

Mark Twain said it best...

“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”

No Pain-No Gain

Ok, I read recently a few different places (Runner's World, USAT website, Facebook) that "it doesn't matter what you eat between Thanksgiving and New Years, only what you eat between New Years and Thanksgiving".  (Yay for Christmas cookies!...however, I never did get my hands on any Christmas cookies this year *sad face*.)  I guess I was sort of hoping that this applies to training too, however I'm pretty sure now that it does not.  OUCH!!! 

Since it's after the first of the year, it is officially time for the serious training to begin.  I'm talking SERIOUS training.  Like my friends who are not crazy ass running/triathlete mother phuckers like me, will probably not see much of me now until next November.  Sorry all, I'm not out to ignore anyone and it doesn't mean that I don't care, but between 3 jobs and being a single parent...all my "free" time will be spent in the gym, in the pool, on the bike(s) or pounding the pavement.  I've got some pretty huge (phucking ENORMOUS!) race goals this summer, and I'm going beyond all out this year.  (Can you say half IM?  XTERRA anyone?  RAGBRAI?...oh hellz yes!!!) 

No pain, no gain this year and absolutely NO excuses!!!!  (Ok, I may still have some time for beers and chillin out every now and again...I've never been able to say no to dollar pint night before, so why start now?...and if a cute boy were to actually ask me out, I would probably still consider giving up a night of training to actually go on a date :)). 

Sunday was my first day back in the gym for some serious weights and running in lets say "a while"...and it probably didn't help that I was working out a few personal demons in the process so my intensity was turned up two notches higher than it should have been for my current fitness level (yeah, I attacked the gym like it was the middle of tri season!).  I lifted weights like I hadn't taken 3 weeks off and I ran until I literally puked (I know it's wrong, but I LOVE that feeling...yes, I'm not normal, only when you hang with the friends I do, this is actually completely normal :))!  It was a great workout, only now...ooo, OUCH!  (I'm not kidding...OUCH!! :)) 

If pain is weakness leaving the body then come June I'm going to be one strong woman!!!!  Watch out!  (If you find yourself in my age group and in front of me in a race, consider yourself warned...I am coming after you...I am going to hunt you down and I will pass you!...why else would they sharpie our ages on our calves?, it's so we know who our competition is! LOL. :))  Now however, I'm off to find some ice and Advil!  OUCH, I say!!!  :)

Kid Rock - Care

Care!  It's the very least we can all do!! 

I can't change the world, and I'm not going to even pretend that I can, but I can care.  I can open my heart wide to the world and I can care...about everyone and everything.  It's simple, it's free and it's one thing I'm actually very good at.  (I have a heart the size of Texas, that I wear on my sleeve, and is crammed into a little 5'2" body...most of the time I'm bursting with love, compassion and care!)  Will you all help me care just a little more in 2011? 

I can't make a difference all by myself, but maybe if we all work together... *shrug*.  It's worth a try! 


Ok, I know I post a lot of music links on here.  What can I say?...music is a big part of my life.  I love and appreciate all sorts of music (I especially LOVE my unhealthy obsessions #1 and #2...Dave Grohl and Kid Rock :)).  Music has the ability to speak for us when we can't seem to find just the right words to say what we really mean.  I think music is a wonderful gift that we can all share, and why should I try to rewrite something that's already been expressed so perfectly.  I just picked up the new Kid Rock Born Free CD (yes, they still exist!!!...shocking I know!) this weekend and this song immediately stood out.  The lyrics are incredible (actually, the whole CD is fricken amazing!).  Please listen and enjoy!  (...and then, maybe if you have some time, think about what you can do to show the world you care today...I know, I ask a lot sometimes!! LOL)  :) 

Eminem - Not Afraid

This is what I'm talking about!!! 

WARNING AGAIN!!!!...If you're easily offended by foul language, then don't click this link!!!!  I personally LOVE Em!  (Unhealthy obsession #3?...I'll have to get back to you on that one :))

Ok, I promise I'm done posting for the day and this New Year event...this hot momma is going to continue the celebrating of 2011 with some of my best buddies and I'm pretty sure the restaurant requires patrons to NOT wear pajamas :).  (Random side thought: my kid gets to have pajama day at his school and day camp...wouldn't it be cool if adults could have pajama days in the real world too???  Yeah, high five for awesomeness I say! :))

Welcome 2011

I don't want to sound cliche, but have you ever just woken up in the morning and felt different?  Like there was a great shift in the cosmic universe at some point while you were asleep and the world looks completely different now?  Yeah, well...it's kind of like that!  (I've had a few of these moments the past couple of months, but this felt like maybe it was the big one...the grand tsunami of cosmic shifts in my universe.)

Hell if I know exactly what happened, or what's different.  I can't quite put my finger on it...maybe it's just the New Year settling in around me, but whatever it is, it's a good thing.  It feels right! 

After surviving two years of absolute personal hell (at times...I had some good shit in there too, and for as crappy as they were, I probably wouldn't trade the past two years if given the opportunity) and saying every New Year's "at least things can't get worse this year", at which point they did!...today feels different.  I have no expectations, no intentions and no agenda for 2011.  Just complete and honest openness. 

I read a great quote the other day (kind of goes along with the one I already posted today...and yes, I like quotes, so what?...life is filled with insightful and deeply meaningful quotes so why not enjoy them and the wisdom they can offer us)..."pure love is the willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return."  Taken literally, this of course could apply to a romantic relationship (or any relationship really), but I also think it can apply to life in general.  It doesn't have to be pure love for another person specifically.  It can just be the giving of pure love to anyone and anything we encounter along the way.  (I'm realizing that I have pure love for a lot of things in my life...my son, my ever expanding family, my amazing friends, riding the trails behind Carr Pool on the Green Machine, the feeling at mile 10 of a training run, mile 1 of the run in a triathlon, being out on the water, dogs...)

I think maybe the shift that I'm feeling today is the gates to my soul opening, and the wall of safety I've built around myself to keep me from getting hurt over the years crumbling.  A sort of pure love for the world around me?...*shrug* perhaps!  I've opened my heart to this new year...completely and honestly wide open...to all people, places and things.  Yeah, it makes me vulnerable to getting hurt, but remember I'm a no fear kind of girl.  LOL.  I think I would rather give myself completely in all that I do, and leave everything on the table, than to say I held back because I was afraid of what might happen.  It's 2011 and for the first New Year in a long time, I'm not afraid.  :)

Quote of the Day

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -Dalai Lama

Wishing you all nothing but happiness and compassion in 2011!