I've contemplated starting a blog for a long time, or at least ever since my path took a dramatic turn off course and crashed head first into a big bunch of untamed brush, trees and possibly poison ivy. Now it seems ever more relevant as I begin to navigate this world as a newly minted Part Time Single Parent. First, I should probably clarify what I mean by a Part Time (PT) Single Parent, since I will probably use this term a lot. To me, this means that the ex and myself share joint (50-50) custody on a week by week basis. We switch parenting roles every Sunday evening.
Nothing can really prepare one for this. None of us parents, I believe, enter into parenthood with the idea that we are only going see or spend time with our children 50% of the time. I'm never going to be half a parent, I'm always going to give 110% of myself to this beautiful young being. I'm going to be there no matter what for absolutely everything they need. The thought never even crosses our mind that things could end up completely different, and why would it. We bring these babies home from the hospital and our world suddenly feels complete. Sometimes though, life has other plans for our bigger picture, and we have to try to embrace this change to the best of our abilities (for me it's with a lot of humor and a dash or two of sarcasm...possibly followed by a glass of wine or pint of beer :)). These days I still give 110% of myself to my child and I will always be there for him, even when we're not together.
The first real night away was the worst, perhaps it's because I suddenly realized that this is so much different than those times spent at sleepovers with Grandpa and Grandma, this time I recognized that this was going to be a permanent ongoing arrangement...not unlike the first night home from the hospital, I was left wondering "now what". What am I supposed to do now and why can't I breathe? See, unlike the first day and night I brought my tiny little bundle of joy home from the hospital, when it seems that the world holds nothing but possibilities, this night is more like a living breathing nightmare (at least something in the house is breathing, because I'm suddenly not able to). It feels like a slow torturous death. Like someone has removed an arm, two legs, a lung, and half my heart (along with half my brain and sanity) and said to me "there, now go about your normal life...live well, be productive and be happy." Are you (insert swear word(s) of choice here) serious?!
That first night was a shocking night to say the least. I wandered around the quiet empty house for hours, just trying to catch my breath. I couldn't bear to even look into his room for fear of a complete breakdown, so I turned off the light and shut the door, trying to close out the pain in the process. I think at one point I even went for a drive, just to break free of the walls that were suddenly closing in around me. I needed fresh air and I needed it bad! I needed to breathe! I don't know how long I stayed in this zombie like comatose state, just wandering around until I somehow found myself in bed with the lights on (this also being the first night I ever spent completely alone in my own house) at 2am too wired to sleep but too exhausted from crying to stay awake any longer. It was the longest night of my entire life. Then, something incredible happened, I woke up in the morning and realized that I made it through the night (the half bottle of wine probably helped) and found that amazingly one of my legs had returned making facing the day and hopping along this new poison ivy infested path that much easier. Each day I spend along this path things are getting a little easier to manage, the road gets a little wider and slowly my body parts are returning. The ache in my heart lives on though, it's the one part that I fear I've lost forever.
So now what? I hate this question, yet I ask it of myself all the time. I'm such an active person that I feel like I always have to have a plan in place and I'm always trying to think 3 steps ahead of wherever I am. This time though there is no plan to follow, and I don't really know where I'm going all the time. It's scary to say the least, but I intend to make the most of it. It's an adventure, and I love (LOVE) adventures! I'm slowly learning to embrace the randomness that my new path has to offer me, and to find joy and light in the little victories. That first night away from my child in my crazy comatose state I made a decision, more of a promise to myself really, that I was going to use these times away from my boy to focus on myself. It sounds selfish, I know (it feels selfish sometimes too), but I mean really focus on myself...like dig deep and see what's lurking below the surface scary kind of focus. It's a frightening place to go sometimes when we seek out what lurks below our own surface. I'm certainly no angel with my own bit of dark secrets to dissect and uncover, but I'm learning to use this newly part time quiet house to reflect on these things and decide what I really want in life and where I want my new path to take us. With a lifetime supply of Calamine lotion and my boy at my side, I should be set to take on the world, or at least this heavily wooded forest of chaos that I find myself in.
No comments:
Post a Comment