My Fall Into Accidental Meditation

I've written a lot of posts about living life with no fear and no regrets and embracing the gift that each day presents to me, and those are all very good and valid desires in my life.  And while I try to use them as guiding tenets in my life (along with projecting positivity 98% of the time...hey, I'm reserving the right to remain part sarcastic bitch 2% of the time, so what??...I'm a work in progress :)), I am not always successful.  Some days, I will admit, I struggle with it (a lot!). 

Days for instance when the IRS rejects my first tax filing since getting a divorce and would like to suggest to me a $500 (at least) adjustment...in their favor.  Yep, I'll admit I struggled with that little gift.  Or days when, in my own rush to get the laundry done, I carelessly ruin my favorite tech running/race shirt in the wash...(yeah-yeah, it's just a shirt and I've got plenty so really no harm, no foul...lesson learned...maybe I should slow down a little bit occasionally and pay attention to the task at hand rather than multi tasking all the time).  That one kind of bummed me out, but it's not the end of the world.  Or days when the decision must be made between putting gas in the car or buying groceries...hey, it happens sometimes, though thankfully not very often (please, please, please, I do not want pity or anything of the sort, this is just a fact of life sometimes for a single parent living on a single income in a fairly expensive town...life happens, I'm ok with it, it just means there are tough decisions to make occasionally and priorities get rearranged accordingly).  So yeah, it's safe to say that some days I struggle with my desire to be the best and most positive person I can be in the face of what sometimes feels like never ending challenges, but my intentions are always good, always positive and always pure (there's that damn road to hell with it's good intentions), even when I'm struggling. 

A few days ago I was struggling...really (REALLY) really (did I say really???) really struggling.  I was all out certified down in the dumps...Oscar the Grouch style.  I may as well have traded in my sprawling (read: overpriced but beautiful) duplex for a metal garbage can on Sesame Street...seriously!  I was a mess...a certified-crazyass-sad-mad-angry-hotmess...I even broke down a little in the shower (yeah, me!...Ms. Non-girlie/tomboy/positive/happy go lucky/embrace life Me...I broke the phuck down and bawled in the shower...would you like a little plate of embarrassed for dinner?, um, yes please!!! ).  I was feeling scared and confused, but mostly now I realize I was feeling scared and I was letting my fear drive my emotions that day (did someone say "no fear"?...what?...bahahaha!!!...fail!).   

I climbed out of the shower frustrated and exhausted and ready to go to bed...fully prepared to let my emotions guide me into dream land.  So, there I was, laying in bed...wide awake!  UGH!  (Doesn't it always seem to happen that way?...the moments you want to sleep the most are the ones where you can't sleep at all...grrr!). 

Since I couldn't sleep, I just laid there and listened to my breath...like really listened...and I listened...and I listened...and as I listened I heard absolutely nothing and everything all at once, it was all there hidden in my breathing.  After a few moments of this I realized that I was as close as I've ever been to meditating...actual, honest to goodness meditating.  Similar, but not quite like the meditating I get from running or racing and being fully present in the moment of those activities while letting my mind drift off to beautiful places...no this was sort of the same, but completely different. 

I decided to go with it, and I continued to lay there perfectly still and concentrated a little more on nothing (more out of curiosity than anything else I think, I wanted to see what would happen if I played this thing out...if I would find the peace that I've often read about in regards to meditation).  After a few minutes my mind went blank...flat out pure nothingness engulfed me and I was just blank.  WOW!  Hell-O awesomeworld!  Why had I not tried this before??? 

(Side note: it was suggested to me 3 years previously by a personal coach, when I was originally struggling with the decision of whether or not to end my marriage, that I try meditation.  I didn't at the time, but I knew in the back of my mind that I always wanted to, I just didn't know where to start.  Honestly, the whole process seemed kind of overwhelming...I even bought books and dvd's on the subject, but I just never got around to making the time for myself.  CRAP!...apparently, I've been missing out!  This shit is AH-MAZ-ING!  :)). 

After my experiment in accidental meditation I slept...like really really slept.  I slept good and hard that night for the first time in a long time...no tossing and turning and pillow flipping here...and the dreams, OMG, the dreams I had that night were so vivid, in color and full of meaning. I woke up in the morning still on a slight high from the night before...all fully rested, recharged and in a fantastic mood to begin the day.  (Funny too considering how crabby and frustrated I was when I went to bed.) 

Now, I take the time to meditate every night for about 10 minutes before I go to bed (I'm even working on creating a designated meditation spot in my currently empty 3rd bedroom, away from the distractions of laundry, and the computer, and the TV and the phone...just me surrounded by pictures of my boy and all the things that mean the most to me in life).  It's so far been a very rewarding experience.  I've slept better than I have in months (maybe even years!) and my dreams...WOW!  It's almost like the act of meditation allows my subconscious mind to really open up and allow my dreams to flow freely, and since we all know I'm a strong believer in dreams and their meanings, it has given me the opportunity to really see some things in my life much more clearly from a different perspective.  I think I may have finally stumbled upon the practice of regular meditation...by complete accident.  :)