I've said it a bazillion times that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I've found this is true a lot of the time...BUT, I'm also learning it's sometimes false. Intentions are important, and if they are developed and well thought out I think they can be very powerful.
I had a good friend of mine ask me once what my intentions were in regards to our relationship or "situation" as we called it (I think we were both in a place where the word "relationship" made us uncomfortable on many levels so we preferred the word "situation"). That was months ago, and I'm sure at the time, I told him very honestly what I thought my intentions were in that moment...I don't even remember what they were it was so long ago, but I'm positive I remember enough of it that I'm sure it had something to do what I thought my intentions should be based on past expectations for how a relationship should work and progress. (Oh, did you see that?...there is a lot of uncertainty in that statement..."I thought", "should be", "past expectations"...it's the uncertainty of good intentions that I'm pretty sure the road to hell is paved with...we can mean well, but if we are not fully invested in our intentions, then all hell is going to break loose with them...and in my case it did).
I had a good friend of mine ask me once what my intentions were in regards to our relationship or "situation" as we called it (I think we were both in a place where the word "relationship" made us uncomfortable on many levels so we preferred the word "situation"). That was months ago, and I'm sure at the time, I told him very honestly what I thought my intentions were in that moment...I don't even remember what they were it was so long ago, but I'm positive I remember enough of it that I'm sure it had something to do what I thought my intentions should be based on past expectations for how a relationship should work and progress. (Oh, did you see that?...there is a lot of uncertainty in that statement..."I thought", "should be", "past expectations"...it's the uncertainty of good intentions that I'm pretty sure the road to hell is paved with...we can mean well, but if we are not fully invested in our intentions, then all hell is going to break loose with them...and in my case it did).
The honest truth is, that I was trying to give him an answer that I couldn't even give myself. I would have been better off saying "I don't know", because I didn't. I was fresh out of a marriage, I was nervous, I was frustrated, I was scared and all I wanted was a friend. But I didn't tell him that...I told him what I thought he wanted to hear.
Here's a little background on my friend and I. I got dared by a friend to go on Match.com...so I did (I NEVER turn down a dare!). I needed dating experience and I needed to just get out there and meet people. I had no INTENTIONS (damn it!) of meeting anyone worthwhile in the process. I just needed to meet people and go on dates. So one night after spending a couple hours at the bar with my friend, I signed up. I went on a few dates and talked to a few guys, but no one really caught my eye. It was actually pretty annoying.
I stumbled on one profile that was cute, dude was rocking a baseball hat (trucker style...and we all know I loves me a boy in a baseball hat) on a beach and he was HOT!! OMG, we are talking smoking hot! The man was (is) beautiful, no question about it. I don't know who contacted who first (he could probably tell you, since the hot man on the beach also has an amazing memory), but somehow we started talking through emails on Match. Eventually, we even set up a date. Then, nothing. Yep, nothing. Something came up, and he couldn't make it at the last minute (however, he forgot to tell me this!...nice one...aannnnddd done). Because I didn't really know him yet, I didn't believe him at all (AT ALL!). At that moment I wrote him off. After that, I quickly let my Match subscription expire. No way was I doing that shit again. I figured that I know enough people in the real world that I don't need to be meeting people online. I'm a resourceful girl, I'm cute, and I've got some skills...I'll figure this out on my own, thankyouverymuch. (I was not overly impressed with my experience on Match, just for the record...I have no complaints, but I probably won't do it again.)
Side note: Have I mentioned how much I actually hate the process of dating?? HATE IT!!!! (Kind of surprising based on some of my past blogs I know...some days I'm just a walking contradiction, deal with it. LOL :)) I'm talking first dates, not actually seeing someone regularly, that's totally different. But, first dates, ugh...so overwhelming!!! It's like going through a job interview process again and again and again...not fun. I'm all for meeting new people in casual situations, and hanging out with cute boys and flirting...but dating and one on one time with a complete stranger, not so much, and this is exactly why. Girls (I) get excited, and girls (I) spend extra time to get all cute with the hair and makeup and find a new outfit and maybe some girls (I) stress out so much about it that it can make us nervous crazy for the whole freaking day day. I would much prefer to be in a solid situation where I've got a buddy to hang out with and chill with regularly or even whenever possible without the pressure of putting on a show. I've always been more of a friendship/relationship girl and not so much a serial dater. I just prefer to be comfortable in my surroundings. Unfortunately, being single, I've had to break out of my shell and explore the dating world just a little bit. (Another side note: another thing about me that I am adamant about...I am friendship first girl all the way...I want the friendship to be solid before I decide if there's a romantic possibility there, not the other way around...remember, I'm the cool chic with the big but, the one who is cool and fun to hang out with BUT no so much relationship material...this is probably why...friends first, lovers second...no exceptions!).
So, I wrote the cutie on the beach in a hat off and was done thinking about him. A few weeks later, we started chatting again. Once again, we seemed to hit it off...and, he asked me out again. I said yes again, but only because I needed experience going on dates and getting over my fear of meeting strangers...I mean hey, if I'm going to be single, I need to build up my self confidence and be able to do this and practice makes perfect, so I said yes.
I expected one date and again had no INTENTIONS (mother phucker!) of 1) that the date would even happen (remember, he stood me up once before...yeah...I wasn't getting my hopes up this time), and 2) that we would even have any sort of connection. The second time around the date actually happened, and honestly when I went into it I wasn't expecting much from the evening. Then...*shrug*...I don't know what happened...I can't describe it. (CRAP!!!!...I wasn't supposed to like this guy!!...he was the jerk who stood me up, but there I was having a great conversation with him and there was never once an awkward moment, and he wasn't really a jerk, he was a actually cool solid guy...CRAP!!!!...stupid freaking intentions!!!...mother phucker, son of a bitch, damn it, crap!) Then, there was a second date, it was just a fun and relaxing as the first, but I thought I caught a weird vibe from him and I was sure I'd never hear from him again...so, once again I was prepared to write him off. (I gotta really quit doing that, he's not someone you can write off easily :)).
After that, we kind of quit dating. Sure, we talked (texted...we actually rarely talk on the phone in person) almost every day, but actual dating...yeah not so much. It's just not who we are. He's sort of a homebody, and I sort of like that about him (I'm kind of a homebody too and I totally get it), so we would chill most of the time with beer and movies on his couch with his awesome dog sprawled out on top of both of us. It was a good situation, a freaking great situation...until he started asking me about my intentions. (CRAP!!!)
Suddenly, I felt pressure and I got nervous and scared. I didn't know what my intentions were (hello??...in the past year and a half this girl has dealt with an ex-husband who had an affair, a divorce, a bankruptcy, and a fireman...it had been a pretty full and weird year...I didn't know which end was up quite honestly, let alone what my flipping intentions were), but he wanted an answer so I gave him the best that I could at that moment. Fail!
I want more than anything to be 100% honest all the time, but how could I be honest with him about my intentions if I couldn't even be honest with myself. The honest truth was that at the time, I didn't know what my intentions were...in any area of my life. I really had no idea. I hadn't even thought about it really. My world at that time was all about figuring out how this new life would work for my son and I, I was caught off guard and I was terrified by it (I'm a little bit of a control freak, so being caught off guard...not a good feeling for me...I panicked). Hell, a month ago, I probably still didn't even know what my intentions were. But today, yeah...I've figured some of it out and I finally have a pretty good idea of what my current intentions are. Basically, I have none!
Suddenly, I felt pressure and I got nervous and scared. I didn't know what my intentions were (hello??...in the past year and a half this girl has dealt with an ex-husband who had an affair, a divorce, a bankruptcy, and a fireman...it had been a pretty full and weird year...I didn't know which end was up quite honestly, let alone what my flipping intentions were), but he wanted an answer so I gave him the best that I could at that moment. Fail!
I want more than anything to be 100% honest all the time, but how could I be honest with him about my intentions if I couldn't even be honest with myself. The honest truth was that at the time, I didn't know what my intentions were...in any area of my life. I really had no idea. I hadn't even thought about it really. My world at that time was all about figuring out how this new life would work for my son and I, I was caught off guard and I was terrified by it (I'm a little bit of a control freak, so being caught off guard...not a good feeling for me...I panicked). Hell, a month ago, I probably still didn't even know what my intentions were. But today, yeah...I've figured some of it out and I finally have a pretty good idea of what my current intentions are. Basically, I have none!
After doing this whole meditation thing for a couple of weeks now, I've become much more clear about what knowing what I want for my life and my world, and starting today I intend to fully put my trust in the universe and let be what will be. I'm wide open to all options and all possibilities. My only intentions are that I intend to be grateful for all that I have and positive in all that I do, but I'm letting time, Karma, and the universe be my guide...in the meantime I intend to just sit back and enjoy the ride on this road of good intentions (just hopefully it's not a road paved to hell :)).
I think this has been my desire all along, to feel this sort of freedom by taking my control out of the equation and trusting in the universe. Today I felt fully free, and willing to open up my trust again to the universe and whatever it brings my way. (I know I've maybe said it before, but I didn't fully feel it before the way I feel it now.) It's a good feeling...to trust in the universe...just open up and fully trust. (This actually works too, when I'm feeling uncertain about something, I meditate with these three words...trust the universe...and it totally works. :)) TRUST THE UNIVERSE...my new mantra. :)
Final thought: as for my intentions with my friend...that's not so tough anymore...I can say with 100% certainty that I am absolutely content with what it is. I have no intentions or motivations where our friendship (or situation) is concerned. I have no idea whats going to happen, and I don't really want to know, nor do I need to know. The future is not mine to design. I have no crystal ball, and if I did, I probably wouldn't use it. I don't need any guarantees. I just want to be...I want to enjoy each moment for what it is and just be. He's a really cool solid guy, and I feel lucky to get to spend a little time with him. (And yeah, something really did come up that first date and his excuse was completely valid...I'm sorry now that I ever doubted him. :))
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift...that's why they call it the present" ~ Kung Fu Panda
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