Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The X Factor

I've said it a hundred times, being a single parent is tough.  It is, I'm not gonna lie.  It can be made even tougher sometimes by the great X Factor...you know, that person who shares that responsibility of single parenting with you.  Yeah, that's the one.  If you're single parent, chances are pretty good that you have an X Factor of your own.  The X Factor can be beyond challenging at times, and even more so if your not able or willing to be friends (even for your kid's sake) or don't necessarily see eye to eye most of the time (all the time!...about anything!). 

Until about three weeks ago I had a very difficult X Factor situation.  I think I can safely speak for both of us when I say that after 13 years of marriage, one affair, a (sometimes very nasty) divorce and two bankruptcies...we HATED each other.  We did, I'm not proud of it because hate, in my opinion, is a useless emotion, but we were miserable and we hated each other.  There was so much anger and frustration and hostility...by both of us, and we were not able to function productively as parents at all.  There was NO cohesion...we were failing miserably at this whole single co-parenting thing.  But then...*shrug*...something shifted.  I can't really explain it, other than something significant changed for us about three weeks ago. 

Strangely, coincidence or not, this was also around the same time I started meditating more regularly and really putting my trust into the universe.  I became a more peaceful person from the inside out and in the process gave up caring (and worrying) about the differences in our two distinctively different households and lifestyles (and how those differences may be affecting our boy).  I had put my trust into the universe and in the process trusted more what I was doing as a mom and single parent.  In gaining that trust and positive confidence in myself, I also began to see my X Factor in a different light.  I believe that for all of our individual differences, we both truly love our boy with all of our hearts and being, and that both of us want nothing but the best for him.  In that light, made the conscious decision that we were no longer going to be enemies, and I was going to do my best to become allies with him.  It was time for us to put the past behind us and move forward as parents. 

This was also around the time that our boy started getting pretty ill with his asthma, and we had to really open the doors of communication to make sure we were doing what's best for him.  Whatever the reason was, there was suddenly very clearly no more hate.  We started working better as a team, and in the process we are much better single co-parents for it I think.  I wouldn't go so far as to call us friends again, but we are definitely on the same page where our boy is concerned. 

Because of this shift between us, I'm seeing a HUGE change in our boy.  HUGE!!!  Single parenting just took a big leap forward and got way easier because my boy finally appears happy again.  For the first time in a long long time, my boy smiled a genuine smile this week, and I've been hearing him giggle like...well...honestly, like I haven't since we all lived together in the same house.  (For the record, nothing melts a mom's heart faster or brings tears of joy to her eyes quicker than hearing her child giggle a true honest to goodness belly giggle...just thinking about it is even threatening to bring on the mom waterworks. :)) 

We may be on to something here, my X Factor and I.  I think we're all finally settling into this new world and both of us, for our own separate reasons, are finally happy people again...and I think that because we are both truly happy and content with the universe, our boy is picking up on those positive vibes and he's happier and more content too.  I know this wasn't the way I ever imagined parenting the day I brought my tiny little prince home from the hospital, but I think now maybe it's not so bad.  I think...NO...I know now, that my boy will be just fine, and I know this because my X and I are just fine too.  Better than fine really...I can't speak for him anymore, but for me...yeah, it's safe to say that I am truly filled with gratitude for this path that I am on as a single parent.  Who knows, maybe someday the X Factor and I will even be friends again...*shrug*...or not...whatever.  The universe can decide that for us, I don't really care either way.  I do know though that I no longer hold any feelings of hate for him, AND, that I have a committed single co-parent partner willing to work with me for the best interest of our child...and THAT'S something that I do care about.  

(MEP...if I have to be a single co-parent with someone, I'm glad it's you.  You're a good dad and I know that I will never have to question for one second the love you have for our boy. :))

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