Sunday, December 19, 2010

I like big "but"'s...

(...and I cannot lie...)

Ok, I'm a tomboy, I'm not ashamed of this.  I like to play hard and roll with the boys.  Most of my closest friends are guys.  I don't know why this is, but it is.  I guess I'm just more comfortable around guys than girls.  Sorry ladies, but guys have less drama.  (For the record, I do have a lot of female friends too...just that most of them are tomboys like me...great minds think alike! :))  Up until this point in my life I have loved my place in the circle of life as guys-girl, but after months as a single girl I'm beginning to wonder if this is somehow working against me.  

I've heard the same line repeated now again and again and AGAIN, almost word for word, by completely different people (including some of my best guy friends) in completely different circumstances..."you're a really cool chick, BUT...".  But what?!?!  What does this mean exactly?  I've actually always taken this as a compliment.  I know that when the time comes, I would want nothing more out of life than to be able to enjoy the world and it's adventures with someone who I think is really cool to hang out with.  But now I'm sort of beginning to wonder...is this really a compliment?...and what is so bad about being the chick that's fun to hang out with? 

(And no, for the record, I am not necessarily looking for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now.  This is not a post about my desires for finding a special someone, I mean hey if it happens then I would like to think that I would be open to it, because I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason when they are supposed to.  So, I will always keep my mind and my heart open to whatever Karma brings my way, whether it's friendship or something more.  I cherish each person that enters my life because they are all here for a reason.  I'm just trying to figure out why this particular sentence keeps reappearing in my various relationships, and what it means about myself exactly.) 

This leaves me wondering sometimes (not all the time, just sometimes) if there's something about myself that needs altering, in order to get rid of the big "but" that seems to be hanging over my coolness.  Could there really be someone out there who can hang comfortably with a chick who loves to ride the trails, wants to learn to drive a motorcycle, is not afraid to try anything once, has an obsession with tattoos (I only have 3 so far...but I do LOVE the ink), and thrives on challenges and adventures?  After all, my hands are not freshly manicured, I don't really do jewelry, my hair is in a ponytail 80% of the time, my favorite outfit is my old ripped jeans and a hoodie, I can take shots of Templeton Rye straight out of the mason jar (that's right the Templeton that I'm fond of comes out of a mason jar and cannot be purchased in any store) and I want nothing more out of life on a Sunday afternoon than maybe a trip to the gym (or some time on the trails) followed by beer and football on the couch.  This is how I roll. 

Oh sure, I have moments of girlie.  What girl doesn't??  I still cry when something touches my heart deeply (usually my family, my friends, or my boy...no chick flicks here though please!).  I have a huge appreciation for clothes (especially denim and hoodies!) and shoes.  My toenails are almost always painted (full disclosure...mainly this is a functionally superstitious thing as I believe that painted toenails cannot turn black and fall off while training for a marathon/half-marathon/triathlon, so like runners who don't wash their favorite socks, I always paint my toenails because if I don't they may just fall off...if you're not a runner, you wouldn't understand :)).  I do ask the question, "does this make me look fat"?  And on occasion, I like to look pretty and smell extra nice.  (Today however, I smell like chlorine from my time spent in the pool and while I believe this is a very sexy smell because it means I'm getting ready to start heavy training again, I do realize that this is not a smell that most others would consider intoxicatingly attractive.)

So, again I'm wondering things (because after all it's almost 1am, I can't sleep, and my brain always wonders deep cosmic universe self reflective things in the middle of the night)...things like, even though I really do LOVE my place in this world as a girlie tomboy, and I don't want to change that, maybe it is time to consider trying something new.  I said I loved new adventures and challenges right, so maybe if I look at this as a challenge...a challenge to be more girlie and embrace my femininity.  To wear more make up, to paint my nails, color my hair and possibly even embrace wearing heels on a semi-regular basis.  HA!!! (I almost pulled that off with a straight face!)  Who am I kidding?!?!  I sincerely wouldn't know how to apply makeup without the end result looking like Tammy Fay Baker, and wearing heels would most definitely end in a trip to the ER (that's $125 that could be spent on racing or getting new pedals for the green machine!...hey, this cool chick's got priorities :)). 

My grand 1am cosmic reflection conclusion boils down to this...someday I would like to get rid of the "but" hanging out like an umbrella over my coolness, and that may require me to change.  Especially if I want something different than I've already experienced.  Heck, it may very well BE time for me to consider a change now, but NO, I guess I don't really foresee it happening anytime soon.  I'm pretty good with who I am.  In fact, I kind of love my tomboy self and I really don't feel like changing...at least not at the moment.  I can be the cool chick with the big "but" for a little longer.  (Cue the Sir Mix A Lot please!!...I like big butts and I cannot lie... :))

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