I'm sort of known for being stupidly brutally honest, and the whole reason I started this blogging experience was to put my life (or portions of it) out there as a way possibly help others who may or may not be experiencing some of the same life adventures that I am. Either as a single parent, a mom, a triathlete, or just a woman...this blog is real, this blog is honest, and because of that I need to share something. I don't want to be putting this part of my life out there, this is my battle, my demons to fight, and I am fighting them in my own way, but to help others from following in my path or to help anyone who is on the same path, I'm putting it out there.
Most of the people in my life who know me the best know that I am on some level OCD, or at the least I have OCD tendencies. I tend to take things to extremes, and have a very addictive personality. I joke a lot about my unhealthy obsessions (Dave Grohl/Foo Fighters and Kid Rock) and share adventures from my more healthy addictions (triathlons, biking and running and stuff). My list of addictions is actually quite long.
One of my unhealthy obsessions (one I never talk about, but is something that I have battled for most of my life) is with my weight. First, I want to say that I'm not putting this out there because I want sympathy or pity or even advice. I don't. That's actually the last thing I want. I want to be treated the same as always...before you read this post. I simply feel like I need to put it out there so that if there is anyone else struggling with this same issue, then they will know that they are not alone, and that even the "healthiest" appearing people can still struggle with this issue too.
Like most women, my weight is like a roller coaster...it goes up and down based on the seasons, the time of the month and my emotions. Over the past year, I lost almost 30 pounds on the divorce diet, or something like that (between the divorce and the knee surgery...take your pick), and over the past few months I have noticed some of the roundness return to my already curvy body...I am not so much a fan of this!
It started very simply enough...I convinced myself that I was just too busy to eat much (and most of the time I really am), and coming out of knee surgery I knew I was going to have to make some serious adjustments to my life style if I was going to attempt to stay in shape. Plus, in all honestly, I really don't have much of an appetite most of the time. I tend to be a very picky eater, and prefer to eat fish, fresh fruits and veggies and pretty much anything considered "healthy" (healthy food = EXPENSIVE!!!...single mom on a budget = no more organic fruits and veggies in my world *sad face*), and will generally pass up anything that I consider unhealthy, or I will limit myself with portion control. (Enter the world of OCD.)
Right out of surgery, I became a Vegetarian (I needed a challenge to tackle to keep my OCD self happy and focused) , and my weight started dropping pretty dramatically (this is also around the time when I first discovered my ex husbands affair...appetite gone!). Once I started training and racing again, I began to introduce meat back into my world and began a more "normal" eating pattern, however I always had a pretty good idea in my head of how many calories I was taking in versus those that I was burning during workouts. Even the calories in Gu's, Shot Blocs, protien shakes and sports drinks were counted. I knew that I had to run at least an hour to earn one 100 calorie shot block or Gu packet. Food became my reward for a good workout.
It still is. Only now with the addition of another job, I don't have much time to workout like I would like so I haven't been allowing myself much of a reward. The less I workout, the less I allow myself to eat. Over the past few weeks my portions have gotten smaller and smaller, and my search for the right balance of protein and veggies in my life has all but stalled out. I seem to have become stuck.
I would not say I am anorexic (but the word has been thrown around in my presence...again, NOT a fan!), because I don't consider myself sick (I'm a distance runner and triathlete, so in my mind I am a healthy athlete...there is irony there because I know that food is fuel for my body, I just don't like fuel at the moment) and my body is still quite curvy (no bones sticking out here!), but I could definitely be on the verge of entering a world dark eating habits. I know this, I am aware of this, and I am trying to get better with it, only I'm not going to lie, there is a part of me that really has no desire to get better (the thought of food is seriously scary to me sometimes). I kind of like being 30 pounds lighter and for the first time in my life I'm considered a skinny girl. Seriously???...me???...skinny...who knew?!?! I sure as hell didn't, because I still look in the mirror naked and see all the flaws (ugh...my tree trunk runner's legs and I definitely have issues with one another!) and I would like to lose another 10 pounds by summer. (I said I would like to, not that I will. :))
I do know the risk I am taking, both by putting this information out there so honestly and by playing games with my nutrition. Both of my parents and my brother are diabetic, and I have struggled with my own blood sugar issues since college (yes, I was probably anorexic at some point during those years...and there were the diet pills I took in HS to get ready for prom, and kept taking because they took away my appetite and I liked not being hungry...more recently, it was the Weight Watchers diet that my ex was on that I piggy backed just for the hell of it). This is, and probably will be, a never ending battle for me, and at some point I feel like it will begin to affect me negatively, and I do kind of feel like I might finally be standing at that cross roads. The place where my health and my desires to be a skinny triathlete/runner/35 year old hot momma intersect, and so I guess we'll just have to see where this particular journey takes me, because as with everything I do, I'm going to remain wide open to whatever happens and comes my way along this path.
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