Ok, I have to be completely honest about something (with myself as well as everyone else)...this whole skipping Christmas thing, while in theory a good idea, has been harder than I expected. I was doing just fine until tonight...it's Christmas Eve and for the first time for as long as I can remember, I celebrated Christmas with my parents tonight rather than on Christmas day since I've opted out of the celebrating plan this year. This hit me harder than the shots of Jamison that I had last night with some long lost friends did. ("Boys"...it was so good to see you!!! You all look wonderful, and are still "the Boys" I remember!...you are still my boys! Some things just never change and I still love you all! Good, good times!! In all seriousness, Seth, you are amazing...there are no other words to describe my feelings about the sacrifice you are about to make for me, my boy and our country. Please stay safe and know that there are people here who will be praying daily for your safe return ASAP! :))
Tomorrow promises to be another adventure for 2010 and another first for me and my boy in a year full of firsts...our first Christmas away from each other! I can't lie about this...there is a hole in my heart at the moment the size of Texas and it kind of sucks a lot. The tears have started already for both of us, for him because he says he misses his "family" (some things are just impossible to explain to an 8 year old) and for me because my boy's hurting and there is nothing that I can do to change that. This is something that we must go through. (We will make it to the other side, I am absolutely sure of this, however my boy is not so much...he is scared and sad and worried and no amount of explaining or reassurance can help him in this moment.)
Earlier this year I made the decision to I opt out of the Christmas plan. In part because I really truly wanted to find the true meaning of Christmas in my heart for myself (and I have!...thanks to some great family and friends), and partially in part because I think I knew deep down that I just may not be strong enough to survive tomorrow with my heart in one functioning piece so I created a distraction for myself by skipping Christmas. Keeping myself busy, I have assumed, will help me forget about the lump growing in my chest (so far, it's not really working, and I really REALLY want some freaking Christmas cookies to compensate for this and help me deal...damn those roads to hell and their good intentions! LOL).
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring (hopefully Christmas cookies!...or Kringla!...or lefse!...mmmm, mmm good!...who says you can't eat your way through stress???...guaranteed that I can, just watch me! haha! :)). I can't dwell on it because it won't help and the end result will be that I won't sleep tonight and this party girl needs her sleep (at some point I will realize that I'm not 23 anymore...so shots of Jamison on an empty stomach, don't metabolize quite like they used to...and 2 am is entirely too late to be out...I hate to say this dad, but you were right, nothing good ever happens that late! BLAH! :)). Dwelling on tomorrow it isn't going to make it not happen. It's like being angry, there is no added value to this emotion. I cannot change the fact that tomorrow is fast approaching and each minute gets closer to 8am. I cannot stop time so I guess I must dig deep and find a way to survive this "first" with my heart intact.
It is my sincere hope that by volunteering in a place that helps parents dealing with bigger issues than I can ever imagine (actually, full disclosure is that I can sort of imagine...I've totally been there, 8 years ago today I lived in that very house, in room number 6, with a child who was fighting with every breath to stay alive...8 years ago today I was not allowed to hold or touch my child, so what a gift that I have this year that I get to hold him and hug him, even if I can't be with him for the entire day) that I will be able to embrace this new adventure for what it is and learn whatever lesson is offered to me in the process.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but it is Christmas after all, so I'm sure it will be full of love and good cheer in one form or another (and cookies!...I need to get my hands on some Christmas cookies!). I will hold my child for as long as possible in the morning (a gift in itself!) and I will do my best to pass on peace, love and well wishes to everyone I encounter tomorrow (starting with an 8am group run...giddy up Vardo's!).
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!!
PS - I'm still think I'm glad I made the decision to skip Christmas because I get to be much more raw with myself than I normally would, and this is a good thing (another gift in itself).
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