Ok, I'm not going to lie, this totally blows! This whole PT single parent thing...sucks royal donkey ass. I'm sorry, but sometimes I just have to be real here, and this is as real as it gets.
Now, I realize that most courts consider a 50-50 shared custody arrangement the most fair thing for the adults involved in this situation, but I have to wonder if it's really fair for the children involved. Being shuffled every single week between two houses, two parents, two sets of rules, two of everything...has to be overwhelming. Hell, I'm overwhelmed most weeks by the entire situation and I'm an adult, I can't imagine being a 7+ year old trying to make all the pieces fit together like a 5000 piece 3D puzzle. You know, the ones with a hidden picture inside a picture...yeah, I'm thinking it's kind of like that.
Last night the turmoil that flashed across my son's face as he came running into the house demanding nothing but to be held spoke volumes. One look was all it took, my heart instantly broke into a million little shards of glass, the wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. I had effectively been sucker punched. No amount of boxing or Tae Kwan Do training could have prepared me for this little uppercut that my boy just delivered. It's like day one of this PT parenting nightmare all over again. Crap!!!
Then, when reading one of my favorite blogs last night in a hunt for answers and peace, I stumbled upon this quote...“Don’t let today’s disappointment cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dream.” -Unknown. Perfect, this sounds good, this could totally work, now how does one do this? Why do these fantastic quotes never come with directions? They would be much more effective in my opinion, if they came with directions on how to apply them. For example, Step 1) identify the disappointment(s), Step 2) claim tomorrow's dream...just a suggestion. Sounds simple enough...
Step 1)...Identify the disappointments. Well, for starters, I'm disappointed that I don't have the answers to erase the pain and turmoil that I saw on young and conflicted face. I'm disappointed that with that one look, a years worth of hard work disappeared. And, I'm disappointed because suddenly, all the pain and confusion of this past year has returned and knocked us both on our asses. Once again I feel like I'm left standing on one leg hopping down a poison ivy infested path in the darkest forest I've ever seen.
Ok, phuck disappointed...I'm pissed off!! I want to blame someone, I want to scream, and I really want to punch something. (Time to call my good friend Kathy for a boxing session me thinks :)). Only, in this instance, there is no one to blame or scream at or punch...it is what it is and I can be disappointed and pissed off all I want, but it's not going to help or change things. The only thing that will help is by focusing my energies on Step 2 (and maybe one really good session with the bag...I'll call Kathy this week!).
Step 2)...Claim tomorrow's dream. Ok, that's easy, I'm determined to return peace and stability to my son's world...to see the calm happy genuine smile return to my boys face, and to hear him sing the Chipmunks Christmas at the top of his lungs or dance around to Pink's Funhouse without a care in the world. I dream of secretly watching him from the doorway of his room, playing contently with his Lego's while Sponge Bob sings "Don't be a Jerk" in the background. This is the dream I am claiming for tomorrow (and today...and forever!).
Yep, this PT parenting gig totally blows some days (pretty much all the time!)...it's a big giant pile of horse shit that it feels like we are living in and trying to dig ourselves out of every other week. And just about the time we get all the poo cleared, a semi load of new shit is delivered and dumped on our heads. But, I'm not going to let this stupid forest of poo and dung cast a shadow on my dream. We'll be ok...we have to be, I'm not giving us another option. My son will smile again, preferably without the worry lines creasing his forehead, and I will move heaven and earth (and a million tons of shit) to make it happen if I have to.
No comments:
Post a Comment