First, I'm mad for letting harsh words spoken by a person whose opinion doesn't deserve to be an issue in my life get to me...remember the quote by Dr. Seuss in one of my earlier entries, "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter". Well, it's kind of like that, only yesterday I forgot for a brief second and let some harsh criticisms affect me personally. I wish I hadn't, I wish I had taken a moment to put things in perspective mentally before I let my emotions react. (Hey, divorced or not, when your former "best friend" and person whose opinion you valued and respected the most for almost 15 years says mean things to you and attacks your personality, it stings...each day it stings less, but it still stings just a little.)
Second, and more importantly, I'm furious because in a moment, when I received a call from the boy's principal telling me that he was in her office in tears because it was his classroom memory party and his parent representative didn't show up (are you phucking serious?!...crap!), I realized that my custody week or not, the ex and I are potentially failing miserably at this whole PT parenting thing. Whatever we are or aren't doing clearly isn't working. Remember when I said a few posts back that this PT single parent thing blows? That statement was firmly reinforced in that moment. BLAH!!! (Somedays I hate being right! :))
I can't even begin to describe the pain in my chest after receiving that call, or the warmth that filled me upon seeing his little face light up with a genuinely relieved smile when I arrived in his classroom. The two extremes in emotions within such a short time were almost too much to handle, and as I sat there surrounded by other parents and kids and grandparents, my eyes began to leak just a little. (Thank god/Buddha/whoever for winter in Iowa and soft fuzzy mittens to help wipe away tears inconspicuously...plus I can blame the watery eyes on the harsh winter wind chill...WIN!) I vowed to myself that we will figure this thing out, and we will not let our child down again. Only I realized after another long, harsh and unproductive conversation with my ex, that this is probably an unrealistic wish on my part. Yet, it's the one thing I would give up everything in my life for.
So here I am, mad, angry, disappointed, pissed off and furious all over again...and I know now that it's time to let it all go! All these emotions I am feeling are not helping the situation at hand (and they actually feel pretty selfish because they are distracting me from the real issue), which is really how can I do better as a PT single parent? How can I ALWAYS be there for my boy 50% of the physical time? And, how can I work most productively with my ex to effectively coparent from two very (VERY!) different but unconditionally loving home environments?
Days like this, remind me that this PT single parenting thing doesn't just blow, sometimes it even sucks royal donkey ass!! Again, not gonna lie...it does! However, getting angry and staying angry about it will do nothing to make it suck even less. It is what it is, and angry is just a silly feeling, it doesn't offer any solutions (at least none that are fair) and I do think that it distracts us from recognizing and dealing with the real issue(s), therefore I'm beginning to see that there is no added value to getting angry in the first place. EVER! It's just not necessary. So, I'm letting it all go...all this anger and the negative feelings that have built up inside me over the past 48 hours...like the lightest of snowflakes that have gathered in my hands only to blow away with the first gentle breeze. (I love that feeling!...when the snow is so light and airy that it refuses to stay in one place or be crushed into a hard snowball meant to be thrown at someone, instead it simply falls through the fingers and travels with the wind...it's maybe the only part of snow that I like, but I do like it, it makes me smile. Yeah, yeah...there's probably a lesson in there somewhere too, I'm sure of it. :))
"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned". ~Buddha
Final Thought: The moment I made a conscious decision in my head to let go of the anger and negative feelings that have carried me around like a giant green monster living in a garbage can on Sesame Street, something wonderful happened...my lungs opened up, my shoulders relaxed and the lump in my chest (the one that I was surely subconsciously inflicting on myself as punishment for feeling like a failure at this PT parenting gig) disappeared. They all just went away, like the snowflakes that I love so much. My anger and negative feelings hitched a ride on breeze and disappeared into winter wind. (Maybe winter around here isn't so bad, but then again, I am sitting in front of a space heater at the moment listening to Jimmy Buffet and daydreaming of warm air on my skin and sandy beaches...yep, winter in Iowa still sucks...and that is NOT a negative feeling, just a fact! :))
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